Panning for Gold

Birth story - the good, the bad and the (ugly) waiting game

2008-03-20T23:10:00.003Z

One year on, I think that it's about time I finally published my birth story. Luckily I wrote a draft within a few days of the birth - by now I've forgotten a lot of the details, so it has been good to re-read it.

My 44 hr long labour might sound pretty awful, but I want to reassure anyone pregnant that is worried by it that it really and truly wasn't as bad as it appears (although pretty knackering of course). Hey, I actually enjoyed the first 22hrs labouring at home! It was a truly beautiful spring day; the sun was shining, it was warm outside and the daffodils were flowering and it all just felt so right. Plus I'd gone into labour overnight on the 7th/8th March exactly as I had long thought that I might. I was really pleased that I was able to cope with the contractions so well myself for so long (and with the amazing support of Karen & my mother of course - I really couldn't have managed anything like as well without both of them there to help me throughout it all). Even though it wasn't regarded as medically established labour, I view this time as my "true" labour, and have no regrets that I went through it, even thought I ended up having a completely different experience to actually birth our baby.

Having gone to bed at about 11.30pm on Wednesday 7th March, I awoke at 12.30pm needing the loo, but aware that I was experiencing a strange sensation - a kind of strong pulling feeling, rather like the feeling you are left with after you've peed when you have a urinary infection. I went back to bed, wondering if this was a contraction or not, and soon decided after a couple more of the same sensations that it probably was, so I got up at about 1.30am and went downstairs, to put my TENS machine on and start looking again at my birth plan/prompt cards.

It didn't feel like a great deal was happening at first (in fact, between contractions it felt like I was kidding myself that this might be labour, until the next one started), so it didn't seem worth waking Karen (or my mother) at this stage - I thought that it was far better to let them sleep. The contractions were a strong sensation rather than pain, but they were by no means unbearable, and I was easily able to breathe through them, with the aid of the boost on the TENS machine. I started timing contractions, and they were around 10 mins apart at first, soon going to roughly 7 mins apart. Suddenly around 3.30am, they jumped to being only 4 mins apart, and I thought that I had better wake Karen, as it looked like I might be in for a quick labour (ha!).

Karen came down and we rang the hospital, who then alerted our midwife team. It just so happened that "our" midwife Lisbeth was on call, so she rang us straight back. She teased us that Karen answered the phone saying "Oh, it's all so exciting!" rather than the more conventional "hello"! She came round to assess me, found that I was about 1cm dilated but said not to get all excited yet as my contractions were neither long enough nor strong enough to count for anything much. She left us to it, saying that we should go the antenatal clinic at the hospital for our 10.45am sweep appointment as planned, and that they would assess me again there. So we laboured at home until then, with contraction timings rather all over the place. They settled down to roughly 5 mins apart, until just before we went to the hospital, at which point they slowed again (and of course stopped completely on our way there).

A really awful maternity assistant at the antenatal clinic questioned why I was even there if I "thought I was in labour". Um, because I'd been told to come in? She didn't even know what the TENS machine that I had strapped to my arm was, which was worrying/astounding. She was so incompetent that it was funny in an appalling way. Anyway, I saw the consultant who examined me and assessed that I was 3-4cm dilated. He also did a sweep to try and move things along a bit. They asked if I wanted to be admitted, but I couldn't see the point at such an early stage (and I think that my midwife, who was round on the delivery suite by now, would have sent us home anyway if we'd decided otherwise - Lisbeth is nothing if not direct!). Lisbeth said to judge when to call the hospital again/come back in, by when the contractions became too difficult to bear with any longer. As soon as we left the hospital my contractions started up again, around 5 mins apart.

Once we got home, we decided to go for a short walk as it was such a lovely day. I kept having to stop for contractions, and found a lot of comfort in hanging around Karen's neck/leaning on her during contractions. At this point, I also started getting a stitch-like pain in my left hand side that was separate to the contractions (but caused by them) - it was this pain that was ultimately to prove my "undoing". We had some lunch when we got back (seriously comforting leek and potato soup made by my mother) and continued labouring at home, with the contractions gradually getting stronger and stronger during the rest of the afternoon and evening, as well as closer together, but without them getting established at exact regular intervals, something that we didn't realise was as crucial as it turned out to be. We thought that if the contractions were frequent and had been going on this long, then they must be achieving something; it seemed like requiring them to be completely regular was slightly pedantic.

Around 9.30-1opm, contractions were getting much stronger and required a lot more in the way of breathing/visualisation in addition to the TENS machine, so we thought that we might be getting closer to the real action and that we should get to the hospital. We packed the various bags (labour bag, post-birth bag, food and drink bag etc.) in the car and set off. Being late at night, at least we didn't have to worry about finding a parking space near the maternity unit (although Karen did drop me and my mother (plus bags on a trolley) off at the entrance - I wasn't about to walk from the car park!). On being admitted, we met with Pat, one of our team of local midwives (as opposed to the hospital midwives), who examined me and said that I was still only 3-4cm dilated - very disappointing after 22hrs of contractions. She then said that as she had been on shift since 8am, she wouldn't be staying with me overnight as there was obviously still some way to go. Around 11pm she handed me over to one of the hospital midwives, Hazel, and we were basically left alone to get on with it. I was still using the TENS machine plus breathing to get through the increasingly strong contractions, and I also found the rocking chair in the delivery suite was useful, rocking through the contractions and leaning forwards as they peaked.

When Hazel re-examined me at 2.30am, she said that dilation could be "up to 6cm", but that the cervix was still thick and the baby's head too high. However, by now, my discomfort (the word we wrote in the labour notes we made!) had increased, especially as by now I had fairly severe stitch pain down my left hand side with each contraction. We requested gas and air to help me through contractions - something I had been rather looking forward to, as I've always wanted to know what it would feel like to get a bit of a high! However, although it did help me get through contractions, it essentially just made me feel very fuzzy-headed and slightly sick/drunk. Plus the bloody equipment was half-broken and the breathing nozzle was stuck on to the supply tube with a whole load of sticky tape, and often came apart at the crucial moment!

By now we were all a bit spaced out (not just me from the gas & air!) due to lack of sleep, and Karen in particular kept falling asleep as she sat by the bed. I vividly remember yelling and kicking her to wake up on several occasions to get her to pass me the gas & air as a contraction started. Labour was punctuated by the necessity of frequent trips to the loo - necessary but dreaded, as each time it made the contractions much worse. However, I didn't ever really feel that the contractions were "painful" as such; it wasn't as if they didn't hurt as labour progressed, but I saw it only in terms of degree of strength and bearability.

At 6.45am Hazel came and checked me again - I couldn't believe it when she said that I wasn't any further along, as the past 4 hours had felt like pretty tough going. At this point, we agreed to having my waters broken. Unfortunately the amniotic fluid had a very slight tinge of green, indicating some meconium content, so I had to be continuously monitored from this stage on, which meant being stationary on the bed in a semi-reclined position (not that I really had the energy to move around much by this point). The monitoring equipment was also pretty useless and kept falling off, but (when working) it did reassure us that Toby's heartbeat was always good, strong and consistent. Also around this point, Hazel went off shift and I was passed over to the lovely Pam, head of the hospital midwife team - in hindsight, she was the only midwife we actually had real confidence in during the labour.

Breaking my waters didn't have much effect on the labour itself, but it did make the not-quite-regular contractions even more intense and re-inforced the agonising stitch-like pain in my left-hand-side (which we think was caused by Toby resting on a nerve) that became increasingly unbearable as I ended up with no let-up between contractions (I was able to cope OK with the contractions, as it never felt quite like "pain", or at least not in the sense of when you hurt yourself; plus each time I knew that it would soon be over). What also didn't help at this point was that I was re-examined and told that I was probably still only 4-5cm dilated (the number of different midwives examining me did not add up to consistency!), plus I could hear the woman in the room next door absolutely screaming her head off while being told to push, for what seemed like hours - I was so knackered by now, I was virtually in tears at the thought that I probably had some time to go before getting to that stage, let alone how I would find the energy to get through it. Another of the midwives from our local team, Stephanie, came on duty at 9am, but Pam also kept an eye on me for the rest of the day.

After a further 3hrs of strong contractions, I was both exhausted and quite literally beside myself with pain from this "stitch" (I could only speak to yell for hot cloths to press on my side as they were the only thing that marginally dulled the pain) and asked for an epidural (to take away the pain of the stitch rather than the contractions). The pain was so severe that it actually pretty much stopped my contractions - when the anaesthetist came in to assess me for the epidural, he took some convincing to agree to it, as he didn't believe that I was actually in labour! After 29 hours of frequent contractions, if I had had any energy left and wasn't in searing pain, I would have quite cheerfully throttled him. It was a bit scary having the epidural (I was terrified of the thought of paralysis), but I would have done almost anything to try and get rid of the pain I was in. We also opted for a Syntocin drip at this stage, to bring on regular contractions. By this time, all thoughts of our desired natural, non-interventionist birth had long gone out of the window - it was clear that my body just wasn't going to do it on its own and I needed help if we were ever going to get the baby out.

I certainly don't have regrets about having taken any of these intervention decisions; we just wish that once we started down that path, the whole thing hadn't ended up being drawn out for quite so long (13hrs from membrane rupture to delivery) when I'd already been in labour for so long, albeit not "established" labour by the hospital's standards. I'm pretty sure that this is where my "natural birth" plan backfired on us, as I'm sure that at each stage, they held back from intervening further, to try and give me the birth that I wanted. However, as I'd been having contractions at intervals of 3-7 mins ever since midnight on Thursday 8th, without any real let-up, it had been quite a tiring process.

Once the epidural had taken, it really just became a waiting game (we realised at this stage that I was extremely likely to end up with a Caesarean). We were all absolutely exhausted after having had virtually no sleep for nearly 2 days by this stage, counting from Wednesday morning - only my mother & Karen had had a few hours sleep on Wednesday night before I woke them after I'd been contracting for 3hrs on my own.

Following the epidural, I was only assessed every 3-4hrs for progress, but my contractions did become regular, and I did eventually fully dilate by 6pm (42hrs in!). By now, I felt very out of sorts with the numbness induced by the epidural, and was worried about the effect on my back of being in one position for so long - little did I realise that I was going to end up being in the same position for about 2 days in total before I was able to get up after the C-section! My legs, in particular my left leg, felt like horrid dead weights - I could still feel them, but it felt like I had a really bad case of pins and needles rather than any other form of sensation. Our midwife Stephanie assessed me and said that she thought that the baby's head wasn't in the right position, having turned slightly sideways, but she couldn't be sure, so we tried 2nd stage labour pushing for an hour. Very bizarre when I couldn't feel a thing (and at first I honestly couldn't remember where my bum was/how to bear down as if having a poo!). And totally pointless as it turned out. After an hour of pushing, the registrar came in for the first time to assess me, and to decide whether we should go for an assisted delivery (i.e. ventouse/forceps) in theatre, or a C-section.

I was so relieved when she said a C-section was necessary due to the head position, although she said that it might be quite hard to get the baby out as they thought that he was further into the pelvis than he turned out to be (his cord was also around his neck, although they couldn't tell that at the time). I just wanted it all to be over, and for us to be able to hold our baby at last - it felt like far too long a process before we were able to meet him.

We had a brief respite while they prepped up (and Karen gowned up) - I even got to listen to that night's episode of The Archers on Radio 4! We then went in to theatre, and once they'd topped up my epidural, they got Toby out within a matter of minutes at 8.02pm (weighing 8lb2oz) and into Karen's arms where he calmed immediately - truly miraculous to witness; he really did know who she was. I wasn't really able to hold him properly with the screen being in place, and lying on an impossibly narrow bed, so I couldn't put him to the breast as soon as I would have liked. As his head was covered by a knitted hat, I also didn't realise until I saw photos later that he had a cone-head!

My uterus wouldn't contract back into shape for them to stitch up as it was so exhausted, so they had to use all kinds of drugs to make that happen, which took a while, and I lost about 1 litre of blood. The operating theatre nurses had warned me that although I wouldn't feel pain, the C-section would feel like someone was doing the washing up inside me - a very accurate description. What with all the pushing down on my abdomen to try and get my uterus to contract, it also felt like I was like a sofa cushion someone was trying to knock back into shape.

Eventually I was sewn back up (I think that I was in theatre for about an hour total), then wheeled off to recover for a further hour before being taken up to the post-natal ward for the night at 10.40pm, after which Karen & my mother went home for a much-needed bottle of wine, some pizza and sleep. I desperately needed rest too, but didn't get a lot of it what with being on a hospital ward, and having a hungry baby with latching issues. I think that I became almost delirious, and certainly a little manic through lack of sleep over the ensuing days. Toby & I were in hospital until Monday afternoon - we got to go home on Karen's birthday.

My labour and birth weren't at all how I had wanted them to be, but it was certainly a learning experience. Being a bit of a control freak, it made me realise that something as fundamental as labour cannot be controlled, however much you plan ahead of time. Looking back though, I don't regret how it turned out - our beloved Toby was born hale and hearty, albeit to a knackered Mummy and Mimzy (which didn't help us cope well with the first couple of weeks of his life). Next time though (hopefully!), I won't even bother with a birth plan - we'll just go with the flow!

Long overdue - snippets from the past year

2008-03-05T15:22:00.002Z

I've been so absent from any kind of online presence in this last year - I am constantly amazed at how other parents manage to find time to post, whether on a blog or message boards. I know that we all suffer from a lack of "me" time, but I guess it's all down to how you prioritise things. Because I work from home, I have to do pretty much all my work as soon as Toby goes down for a sleep/to bed at night; I simply can't spare that time to do much in the way of selfish surfing, unless I want to suffer the after-effects of the stress it induces by my work never getting done. However, with Toby's 1st birthday fast approaching, I've been getting all nostalgic, and reminiscing about where we were a year ago, impatiently awaiting his arrival. One of these days, I may even get around to posting my birth story!

It's hard to believe that it's a year since Toby's birth (his birthday is this Sunday), it seems both an absolutely age ago, and yet no time at all. So much has happened, and my only regret about it all is that I've been totally rubbish in keeping a proper note of milestones! He's definitely grown into being a little boy now, our baby seems to have well and truly disappeared. The really major changes, especially personality-wise, seem to have occurred in the last couple of months since Christmas, especially since he started crawling/pulling up. He is so gorgeous and such fun - although we're also starting to have more instances of him asserting his independence, which can be trying.

Major milestones inasmuch as I can remember them:
First smile - somewhere around 8 weeks I think, he was definitely the last in our baby group to do so
First bottle feed - approx 3-4 weeks old (Karen had been doing regular cup feeds until then)
First rolling over/sitting up - can't remember!
First family holiday, aged 10 1/2 weeks (flew to Mallorca). This was also the point at which I gave up the nipple shields (after leaving them behind accidentally on a day trip out). Breast feeds shortened from 1hr at a time to 15 mins - did wonders for extra sleeping! I also stopped expressing, as I started getting severe breast pain which later turned out to be deep-vein thrush. Nearly gave up breast-feeding several times over the next few weeks as it was so agonising, but managed to grit my teeth and stick with it as I was so determined not to give up. Finally got proper treatment from GP after several visits, having managed to convince them to give me a not-officially-approved-for-breastfeeding-mothers drug (even though it's approved in other countries).
Moved Toby to his own room at about 4 1/2-5 months, despite having no intentions of doing this until the 6 month mark. Did it in desperation from sleep deprivation/constant waking at every little sniffle/moan! Made life sooo much easier, even though I still had to get up 3-4 times a night. Toby slept through once or twice not long after the move, although it wasn't to last!
Started Toby on solids at 5 1/2 months - he's been a great eater ever since, and went from being a skinny minny to a solid, well-rounded baby very quickly. Zoomed up the weight charts from being under the 50th centile to well over the 75th!
Sleeping through the night finally happened at 7 1/2 months. We literally went overnight from a couple of horrendous weeks of being up hourly all night to consistently sleeping through from roughly 7pm to 6-7am. Not surprisingly, this is also the point at which I started to regain my own identity.
Breastfeeding stopped at 8 months - Toby's choice, not mine! He'd been going through a stage of fighting/messing, then one weekend simply closed his mouth and refused me completely whenever I tried to feed him. I decided not to push the issue too much, even though I wasn't emotionally prepared for him stopping, as I had always felt that I woud rather that he chose to stop than had me force an end to b/fing. It was a bit sad (and still is actually), but bottle feeding him is a lot easier than all the fighting over breast-feeding was. The great side effect of this transition was that Toby also rejected his dummy, so we've never had to go through a battle trying to wean him off that.
Started clapping at 9 months (just in time for showing off to all and sundry at Christmas!), and also learning how to hide himself when playing peepo with his bath towel (utterly endearing).
First two teeth cut (in quick succession) at 9 months. Top front teeth followed within a month, and two more top teeth by 11 months.
First crawled at 10-10 1/2 months (you'd think that I could remember this, seeing as it's relatively recent!). In many ways, I was hoping that he wouldn't start crawling too soon as all I was worried about was how much baby-proofing we would need to do. What I hadn't considered was how much happier he would be once he was properly mobile, and how much more easily he could entertain himself. This is the point at which it seemed like a much stronger personality emerged. He's now also pulling up all the time, and cruising quite a lot.
Next big steps will be walking and talking I suppose, as well as proper self-feeding (i.e. learning to load a spoon himself, rather than just using his hands/taking a loaded spoon from us). And he'll also be moving up to doing 2 days a week in nursery from the end of April.

He's so adorable, and has added so much to our lives (even during the severely sleep-deprived stages). I simply can't imagine life without him, or remember quite what life was like before he was part of our family. How on earth did we fill our time beforehand - there must have been so much free time (even if it didn't feel like it then)?! We love him so much; I always knew that I wanted children, but I really didn't have any idea just how much it was possible to love your own child; I can now truly understand why people say that they would do anything for their children.

We're starting to gear up towards ttc a sibling(s) later in the year (it was always the plan that we would start some time not too long after Toby's 1st birthday). Of course, this makes reading about others ttc #2/already with a sibling particularly interesting right now. A friend who has recently had their second son has been having a little trouble adjusting to the new family reality - as she says, she's actually mourning the loss of her exclusive relationship with son number one now that the new baby is here - I think that this is perhaps the only thing holding me back from trying again ASAP, as it will be very sad to lose that special bond with Toby. The past year has made me realise just how lucky I was to be the oldest of my siblings, and to enjoy that special time with my own mother (even if I obviously have absolutely no recollection of it!).

We'll be going straight for IVF/ICSI this time around, although we'll be getting our sibling sperm moved to a local clinic to make treatment easier. I'm totally convinced that I'll get pregnant with twins, which would be something of a logistical nightmare I should think. I'm certainly having dreams already about being pregnant with twins! To be honest though, we'd just be thrilled to have any kind of positive outcome from an IVF cycle.

The passing of time....

2007-05-04T18:50:00.000+01:00

Oh, how time flies when you're enjoying yourself - and even when you're not, but you've got a baby who seems to take up every waking moment (and not a few of the supposedly sleeping ones too).

It's time for a progress report, but typically, just when I thought Toby was settled for a sleep in his swing (which is usually a pretty reliable "babysitter"), he's woken up screeching and isn't calming, so I'll have to come back to this post later.

We interrupt this intermission to bring you....

2007-05-02T08:03:00.000+01:00

4 weeks old

2007-04-06T13:13:00.000+01:00

I can't believe that Toby has been with us for 4 weeks already! New parenthood has been proving all-consuming/ overwhelming, but we seem to have turned a corner in the last week, so normal blogging service (and some more recent pictures!) should resume soon.

I truly had no idea how hard work this was all going to be, or how utterly relentless the breast-feeding in particular would be. I thought that I/we had a pretty good understanding of the level of difficulty, having seen family and friends with new babies, but you just can't fully comprehend the exhaustion and constant demands until you go through it yourself. No-one can prepare you for it. And it doesn't help that you've gone through such an exhausting/draining experience as labour and birth first! I also had hideous back pain (and ghastly numbness in the base of my spine following the epidural/C-section), which meant that I couldn't stay in any one position for very long, especially sitting/holding the boy, which was tricky for feeding. The exhaustion, constant demands and emotional upheaval can result in some pretty dark times, and I've even wanted to give Toby back on one particularly awful night (not sure who I would be giving him back to - I really just wanted a break from it all).

Breast-feeding was bloody hard work in the first couple of weeks; I was prepared for it to be painful initially, but not for the level of difficulty in getting it established. Nor for the amount of time it would take up each day. Most of the time in the early days, it just felt like there was never any let up, as once you'd finished one feed and maybe had a short sleep or something to eat/gone to the loo, it was practically time to start over. Plus the pain from sore nipples was simply excruciating. And when my milk came in, it was almost impossible for Toby to latch on to my full boobs, as I have pretty flat nipples. So we started using nipple shields, which has made life generally rather easier, although I want to wean him off them soon. There was so much I didn't understand about breastfeeding and how it works in terms of the let-down reflex, demand & supply, how the baby's sucking pattern changes etc. I had previously been recommended a book called Breast is Best, which I so wish I had made time to read beforehand, as I wouldn't have struggled quite so much. But when I did get around to reading it, 2 weeks in, it really helped with various problem areas, and in simplyl understanding the mechanics of it all much better. For instance, I thought that if I couldn't hear Toby swallowing, then he wasn't actually getting any milk, and that the sucking he was doing was just comfort-sucking. Not so - he's still getting some milk, but just waiting for the next let-down. But it meant that I thought he was just a bit of a lazy feeder and had been taking him off the breast too early!

He was rather slow to regain his birthweight (probably because I wasn't letting him stay on long enough for all the reasons above), but once I'd read the book, I upped his feeding schedule to every 2 1/2hrs or so (every 3-4hrs overnight), and was expressing between feeds to increase my milk supply. It's all paid off, and he put on 8oz in the last week, so he's now up to 8lb 4oz (2oz above his birthweight). Still on a lower centile, but now gaining well.

We've moved from cup-feeding to bottle-feeding in the evening, as we didn't want him to refuse to go from breast to bottle at a later stage. We're using Playtex bottles/teats, which are supposed to be one of the closest to imitate breastfeeding. He loves his bottle, and Karen loves to be able to share in the feeding (she does the late-evening feed before we all go to bed). Sadly for my sleep pattern, he's now moved from one night feed to needing two, so I'm generally up with him at about 1.30am, and again around 5ish, feeding each time for about 45 mins or so, on and off. Quite often he wants morning to start once the second feed is over, which is pretty tough. It's amazing how you can adapt to so much less sleep overall, and broken sleep at that. Most nights he settles back to sleep after feeds reasonably easily, but some nights are pretty dreadful with us all just dozing for 30 min stretches at a time before he wakes again. I know that we have it fairly easy compared to many new parents though, going by the experience of the other mothers in my antenatal group. My antenatal group has quite literally felt like a lifesaver; I don't know how I would have managed without the other girls to share all our experiences with. Talk about instant bonding! We generally meet up a couple of times a week, and it keeps us all going through the tough times, although we are all beginning to find life a bit easier to cope with now.

Karen has finally found a parenting name that she likes - hooray! She didn't want a mothering-type name, as she sees herself as an equal parent to Toby, but not a mother to him. But equally, neither of us wanted her just to be Karen; we wanted a special name for him to use for her. We've been searching for something appropriate since before we started trying to conceive, without any luck (she's very particular!). I'm Toby's Mummy/Mama, and she is his Mimzy (she got the name from a childrens' film trailer, The Last Mimzy, and we both really like it). We also think it will be a good name as he gets older too, as it can be shortened to Mimz, which sounds quite cool.

First bath

2007-03-24T19:18:00.000Z

Toby does not like being exposed! Nappy changes, bath time and general nakedness are a trial to him. I don't think he's quite ready for baby massage classes yet - they'd be more of an ordeal than a pleasure.

But he still manages to look sweet even when he's screaming.

Cup feeding

2007-03-21T07:20:00.000Z

My milk didn't come in until the evening of day 3 after birth, and with Toby weighing 8lb 2oz at birth, the colustrum I was producing until then (and to a large extent expressing as we had latching issues) simply wasn't enough to fill his tummy and satisfy him, plus he started looking quite jaundiced. I knew that lots of new babies get jaundice, but wasn't really sure what caused it; apparently the baby is born with extra red blood cells to cope with the oxygen they are receiving via the mother's blood in the womb and then when they are born, it can take a little while for the liver to work efficiently enough to process these excess blood cells, and so that's why the baby turns yellow. Regular feeding helps to flush the toxins out of the baby's body.
So whilst Toby & I were still in hospital (and in the middle of my second exhausted night having had only about 5hrs sleep since the sleepless marathon labour, where Toby was really fractious and I was beside myself with tiredness), I decided to take the midwives' advice to give him a top-up feed with formula. Partly to stop the damn crying so I could just, please God, get some sleep, but mostly because of the jaundice issue (and because the poor babe was starving!). Our local hospital trust is incredibly pro-breastfeeding, so they weren't suggesting that they give him formula from a bottle, which I wouldn't have been happy with due to the possibility of nipple confusion (especially given Toby's lack of inclination already to latch on my large, flat-nippled boobs); instead they cup-feed. This is meant to more closely replicate breastfeeding, as although the baby isn't sucking, they lap with their tongue, just like a cat, which is the same action that they use on the nipple to "milk" the breast. It is so cute to watch, although they can tend to gulp down the formula/expressed breast milk and get a lot more windy. The picture above is of Karen giving Toby a cup feed - she's much better at it than I am. Initially the cup feeds we did were with formula, now if we do them, it tends to be with expressed breast milk, as it's lovely for Karen to be able to feed him too. And sometimes I'm just too flipping exhausted/fed-up of needing to feed The Boy yet again, so it's good that we can share to some extent.

Baby wearing

2007-03-20T22:13:00.000Z

Hanging out in the sling is already one of Toby's favourite places to be. When he's fractious, I know that I can just tie it on (it's a soft & stretchy wrap; a Hugabub), pop him in and he calms almost instantly. He quite likes having a little look around at first, but he soon drops off to sleep in there, and can sleep for 2-3 hrs at a time whilst I'm wearing him. Meanwhile, I can get on with other stuff, like catching up on the computer!

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being

2007-03-20T07:41:00.000Z

A photo for your delectation, until I have more time to post.

Meme - like I have nothing better to do!

2007-03-18T19:17:00.000Z

Stolen from Sophia via Tex and Blondie. Put an X next to every activity you've done.
( ) Smoked a cigarette (never an actual cigarette, but I have tried a joint on a grand total of 3 occasions - wild living)
(X) Drank so much you threw up.
(X) Crashed in a friend’s car.
( ) Stolen a car.
(X) Been in love.
(X) Been dumped.
( ) Been Laid off/fired.
(X) Quit your job.
(X) Been in a fist fight.
( ) Sneaked out of your parents' house.
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
( ) Gone on a blind date.
(X) Lied to a friend.
( ) Skipped school.
(X) Seen someone die.
( ) Been to Canada.
( ) Been to Mexico.
(X) Been on a plane.
(X) Been lost.
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country.
( ) Gone to Washington, DC.
(X) Swam in the ocean.
(X) Felt like dying.
(X) Cried yourself to sleep.
(X) Played cops and robbers.
( ) Recently colored with crayons.
( ) Sang karaoke.
( ) Paid for a meal with only coins.
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
( ) Made prank phone calls.
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
(X) Made a snow angel.
(X) Danced in the rain.
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
( ) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about.
(X) Blown Bubbles.
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach.
( ) Crashed a party.
(X) Gone roller skating.
(X) Gone ice skating.

Our beautiful boy!

2007-03-18T09:04:00.000Z

After a long on-line absence, I'm delighted to be able to introduce our son Toby Alexander, born Friday 9th March at 20.07 GMT, weighing 8lb 2oz /3.68kg. Head circumference 13 1/2 inches/34cm, body length 21inches/53cm. And he's utterly perfect in every way imaginable! He has very dark brown hair, slightly olive skin and rich brown eyes (they changed from a slatey navy blue within just a few days) - all characteristics that we were hoping he would inherit from the donor. He has my "fade-away" eyebrows, my lips, chin and associated clefts/dimples, but unlike me, he has the most elegant long-fingered hands with perfectly shaped fingernails. Plus long legs, feet and toes. His skin is perfectly soft and velvety, his hair is like duck's down and we're totally in love with him.

I haven't had the time or energy to come online until now; most of my time has been spent eating/sleeping/crying (both me and Toby!). The birth didn't exactly go according to plan (I laboured naturally for 30hrs, but my body just wouldn't establish a regular pattern of contractions, and ultimately after a total of 44hrs of contractions I needed a C-section for "failure to progress in labour" - it didn't help matters that his head had turned during labour and was presenting transverse, so he wouldn't have come out vaginally anyway. Karen was the most amazing support for me throughout the labour, as was my mother - having them both there made it all much easier to cope with. Karen was in theatre with me for the op, and got to hold Toby straightaway; he settled instantly in her arms, clearly knew exactly who she was, and she certainly has the magic touch in being able to settle him when he is fractious (she's much better at winding him than I am too!). Full birth story to follow, as well as numerous posts on breastfeeding, sleeping, emotional ups & downs etc.

Our gorgeous boy is doing really well already at just 9 days old, which makes life much easier than it could have been, although there are also low points, mostly associated with breastfeeding, and the state of my poor pain-wracked body. Sleeping is going pretty well since my milk came in on Tuesday, but I had to resort to nipple shields on Wednesday to combat the extreme pain of breastfeeding (and latching issues with the RHS), and now Toby won't feed without them which is frustrating. Karen's taking the brunt of the night-time waking - I just put in my earplugs so that I can't hear every little whimper, just the major crying which means that I need to get up & feed him. She does all the re-settling etc. so that I can try & get some decent sleep to aid the birth recovery process.

I'm inevitably taking some while to recover after the long labour culminating in a C-section (via artificial rupture of membranes, a Syntocin drip and an epidural!!) My body is decidedly battered, bruised and stiff/numb still, which is not the best way to start life with a new baby, but I'm feeling a little better each day. Our first outing was to the chiropractor on Wednesday - not the way things should have been really. But truly, every minute of the labour was worthwhile for the end result, even if the hopsital probably didn't need to drag things out for quite so long. We were perfectly well aware that I was almost undoubtedly going to end up with a C-section about 8 hrs before it happened, but we still had to go through the drip process etc. When I spoke to my midwife the other day about the implications of this labour (i.e. failure to contract regularly/to progress) on further births, as well as reassuring me that there was no connection between labours (and the good news was that I went into labour spontaneously, and did eventually fully dilate on the drip), she said that they "wouldn't flog me so hard next time" (as my uterus wouldn't take it having had a C-section already). That pretty much sums up the labour process once we were admitted to hospital 22hrs in!

Labour update

2007-03-08T06:43:00.000Z

Well, it definitely would seem to be labour, but there could be a fairly long haul ahead of us yet. The contractions got to 4 mins apart quite quickly, although each one was pretty brief (and fairly bearable pain), so I woke Karen and we rang the hospital. Our midwife came around but I was only 1 finger dilated and contractions deemed neither strong enough or long enough to get busy or excited about yet! So we have been labouring at home since - time really flies! The contractions got further apart after the internal examination, but have become quite a bit stronger, and rather longer. I'm to go in to hospital as scheduled for my sweep at 10.45am and they'll assess me again then and see where we go from there. We should meet Pip quite soon!

This could be it!

2007-03-08T02:48:00.000Z

Yes, it looks like things are starting to happen, exactly when I always thought that they would - overnight on the 7th/8th March (UK time). I had a lot of pelvic pressure all through Wednesday, very twingy, especially in the pelvic/hip joints, and then got rather back-achey in the evening. Anyway, it didn't feel like anything I haven't already experienced over the last few weeks.

We went to bed at 10.30pm, and I woke up needing the loo only 2hrs later - except it felt like a real desperate need to pee that didn't disappear when my bladder was empty; rather like when you have a bladder infection. I went back to bed for a while, but similar sensations were happening, albeit irregularly, so I got up and came downstairs. I really wasn't at all sure that they were contractions at first, as they felt nothing like the Braxton Hicks I have had, nor like I imagined contractions to feel (i.e. a kind of physical clenching sensation). Instead, it's more like a "sheet" of pain that comes and goes (only lasting for about 30 secs at the moment), although I'm not sure that pain is quite the way to describe it; it's certainly a strong sensation, but by no means unbearable. In between, it feels like I'm probably imagining it - until the next one starts!!

Anyway, I'm up and wandering around with my TENS machine on, and the contractions are coming roughly every 8-10 mins, although it's not a completely regular pattern yet (I'm taking the homeopathic remedy caulophyllum to try and encourage regular contractions). Haven't woken up Karen yet, as I think that it's best that she rests until I can be more sure that it's labour proper. She'll be thrilled if she doesn't have to go in to work in the morning though!

I may be back on here later with an update; maybe not, depending on how quickly/slowly everything progresses.

40+6

2007-03-07T17:45:00.000Z

Since there's no action regarding Pip's arrival, instead I'm sharing a picture of my niece Ella and nephew Lewis chilling out yesterday on a hammock in their local park in Melbourne. It's lovely to get pictures, but I do miss them!

I'm resigning myself to the fact that the birth may well not be until next week at this rate - it certainly doesn't feel in the least bit imminent. I went to see my regular acupuncturist yesterday, and she did some extra work to try and bring on labour, but it doesn't seem to have produced any results. Tomorrow I go up to the hospital for my "1 week past due date" sweep - if my cervix has softened since Saturday - and I've got reflexology booked in for Friday. If neither of those things start off labour, I can go back to see my acupuncturist on either Saturday or Monday for another session, and I will also try my herbal/homeopathic combo over the weekend to try and start labour (black and blue cohosh plus caulophyllum). I don't want to try too many different things on any one day! And if Pip is perfectly happy in there, I don't really want to be overzealous with attempts to get him/her out before s/he's ready. The hospital will want to make a provisional appointment tomorrow for a chemical induction; probably for next Tuesday/Wednesday. I want to avoid this if possible, but I'm not really sure that I want to go past 2 weeks overdue.

All my friends/family keep asking if I'm fed up with waiting; the answer is not really. I feel quite chilled out about it, but the uncertainty over when we'll actually have our baby is a bit frustrating, especially for Karen who never quite knows if she's going in to work next morning or not. However, we can fairly safely say that Pip is going to be here within the next 7-10 days at most. It does feel a bit like I'll be pregnant forevermore though.

2007-03-05T13:47:00.000Z

Bread and boredom

Following on from Mark Bittman's no-knead loaf, I wanted to try his sourdough recipe from How To Cook Everything, following Emilin's recommendation. I actually made the starter and the first loaf over a week ago, but I think that I rushed the process a bit. The starter is supposed to sit and sour initially for 24-48 hrs at room temperature, so as my kitchen is warm, it was already smeeling sour and looking fairly bubbly after about 24hrs, so I moved on to the next step, of mixing the dough, and then leaving it to rise, which can be for anything from 6hrs to overnight. Because I mixed it at lunchtime (using just under half wholewheat), I baked it the same evening. It turned out fine as a loaf of ordinary bread, but didn't have much in the way of the sourdough flavour that I craved. The texture was quite finely crumbed, and reasonably firm/dense without being heavy, but not chewy. However, it did keep very well, staying fresher for longer than a regular loaf would. Anyway, having refreshed the starter, I left it in the fridge for almost a week to get nice and sour, and made a second loaf late last week, giving it much more rising time etc. This turned out better, but it still didn't have the flavour I was hoping for. I have to say, I think that I prefer the no-knead recipe. I'm going to try this one again today/tomorrow.

I'm feeling totally bored today - I really had to summon up the energy to even come on-line, which is so unlike me normally. I started a cold over the weekend, so I'm feeling very lethargic and sorry for myself. It's not a really bad one, but I hope that it goes quickly.

Karen came home on Friday night having had a terrible day at work, at the end of a draining week. So she was totally ready for Pip to arrive ASAP, just so she wouldn't have to go back to work on Monday! I started taking my black cohosh tincture to soften the cervix, and when the midwife came on Saturday, we decided to try for a membrane sweep - as much to judge the state of the cervix as anything, since it was only 2 days past EDD. It wasn't the most comfortable of procedures as my cervix turned out to be extremely posterior, way up behind the baby's head so the midwife had to do a good deal of digging around just to locate it. Ouch. Not surprising that I couldn't find it when I tried myself the other day. Sadly, it was very tightly closed and still pretty thick, so there was no chance of an actual sweep. However, all the fiddling around didn't cause Pip any agitation, as his/her heartbeat was exactly the same before and after the procedure, at 150bpm. And the head is now an extra 2/5 engaged compared to the exam 10 days earlier, so that was good news. I've been bouncing on the yoga ball, and walking as much as I comfortably can to try and get the pressure of the head to cause the cervix to thin out. Plus continuing to take my tinctures etc. At this rate though, I think I'll probably be making the "official" sweep appointment at the hospital's antenatal clinic on Thursday, 1 week past the due date.

Now that it looks like I may well go reasonably overdue, my mother is coming down tomorrow to keep me company (original plan was to call her when I went into labour; she's going to be with us for a week after I give birth, to look after us while we get to know/look after our new baby). I'm looking forward to it, as the waiting around is getting rather dull. We've asked her to be there for the birth now that she'll definitely be around, which she was really moved by. We'd both really like her to be there, and we know that she will be supportive without being interfering. And if it turns out to be a long labour, it means that she & Karen can take turns to get some rest/re-fuel.

2007-03-02T19:33:00.000Z

We're having a gayby!

OK, so there's no sign of Pip making his/her entrance into the world quite yet, but here's a pic of my latest baby sewing project; a fleece snuggle for our pushchair. I'm really pleased with how it turned out; it doesn't look home-made at all, even though I was just sort of making it up as I went along (having sketched a "pattern" of one I saw in a baby store at the weekend). Our pushchair is a very dull grey (it only comes in this colour or a dark slate grey, but it's brilliantly designed and easy to use), so I wanted to brighten it up, and when I saw the rainbow fleece fabric on sale in January, I knew exactly what the answer was! The lower section unzips so that you can remove it if the baby/child is too warm, but still have the bright liner in place. And I love the cute pocket for holding a toy/snacks/crumbs/whatever. After I'd taken the photo I also made a matching hat and mittens from the leftover fabric - although the hat turned out smaller than I meant it to!

Oh, and by the way, this is the pushchair in its most upright position; the back goes all the way down to a lie-flat position for newborns. You can also clip our carseat onto the pushchair (so that it faces the current handle position, which can flip back and forth so the baby can face you or face out), which will be very handy I think. It'll be interesting to see how much I use the pushchair in comparison to babywearing though - I plan for the Hugabub wrap to get plenty of use.

ETA: there are 2 more babies amongst our antenatal group as of today; Sonia, who was due to be induced on Wednesday went into labour naturally late on Monday night, and had her daughter Abbey within 12 hrs. And Sai who was feeling too "unwell" yesterday to come to coffee (she thought she had a cold, but we were all speculating as to whether it was actually a sign of imminent labour), had another girl, called Rose, this morning after a quick, pain-relief-free labour.

Awwww, babies arriving at last!

2007-02-28T17:17:00.000Z

Almost there!

I'm 39w+5d in the photo, and the shape of the bump really makes me smile when I catch sight of myself in the mirror, as it's taken on comedy proportions now. It's due date tomorrow, but I'm still reckoning on birth being at least a week away - I think I'll be rather shocked if I go into labour earlier than that!

I've finally written the birth "wish list", and my prompt cards for the different stages of labour - the latter are mainly for Karen to refer to; reminders about breathing techniques, and suggestions for homeopathic remedies that might be useful at different stages.

I'm doing very little these days; napping quite a lot and wasting time on-line (but mostly can't summon up the energy/creativity to blog or post). I'm taking a long time to make the front door curtain - might manage to finish it today at last! Tomorrow I've got my antenatal group coming round for coffee/cake/chat. Unless anyone goes into labour overnight, there will be 6 of us who are still waiting (only 2 more due dates that haven't already passed), plus Sarah who had her little boy Oliver 4 weeks ago (2 weeks early). The eighth member of our group, Sonia, went in to be induced today, so she won't be coming out of hospital again until she has her baby, one way or another. We were all a bit shocked to hear that she couldn't even have her scheduled membrane sweep last Friday, as her cervix wasn't ripe enough. It sounds stupid now, but it hadn't even occurred to me that your cervix needed to be ripe for a sweep, although it makes perfect sense. I'm hoping that the Evening Primrose Oil and hypno visualisations are getting mine to soften and ripen - I tried to feel it yesterday but simply couldn't reach it!!

I've got a reflexology appointment scheduled for Friday, and acupuncture on Tuesday, so hopefully one or the other (or just Pip being ready) will get labour started before too much longer. It all feels decidedly unreal at this point - I feel like I'm going to carry on being pregnant forever!

2007-02-25T08:04:00.000Z

Homeopathy rocks!

I got a remedy (Nat Mur) from the lovely Natasha at my local alternative health shop, after consulting both my "Mother & Baby" homeopathy book, and Natasha who is a homeopath herself, but not practising currently due to running the shop and having a gorgeous almost-1yr-old daughter. My legs feel so much better, and it's actually possible to sleep! In fact, I've been sleeping better for the last couple of nights than I have done for some time. The only bore is that, as with all homeopathic remedies, you have to take them in a "clean" mouth i.e. no food/drink for 15 mins either side of taking the remedy; as I'm drinking water like it's going out of fashion at the moment, I have to "plan" when to take the tablets. I'm also making much more of an effort to spend time with my feet elevated above my head, which probably helps too. All in all, I feel much more able to cope with the prospect of waiting longer for Pip to arrive.

Had a lovely and relaxing day yesterday; apart from spending 2hrs doing all the ironing when I got up early yesterday morning! Still, at least it's out of the way, and the wardrobes and linen cupboard are full of fresh, pressed clothes and sheets. Karen went to have her hair coloured yesterday morning, so I took the time to have a nap, and then to listen to my hypno CD. We drove to the coast for lunch, to a pub owned by someone I used to work with, and I stuffed myself silly with a huge plate of fabulous locally sourced ham, egg and chips (home fries for my US readers!). Could hardly move afterwards, and it was raining, so we didn't bother with the planned walk. We went to a couple of baby shops on the way back (we had the sun parasol for the pushchair to pick up, and I also wanted to nick the measurements of a buggy snuggle, so that I can copy it and make one from some lovely rainbow-striped fleece I've bought, to "gay up" our grey/white pushchair). Had another nap when we got home, after some lovely organic hot chocolate, and then we spent some time doing birth prep, discussing what to put our birth wish list, and also how I hope to use the different birthing strategies/aids that I've been working on, as previously I hadn't talked to Karen in great detail about stuff like the yoga/hypnotherapy. I still need to do some "cue cards", summarising stuff from all my different books for the different stages of labour, and using prompts from the hypnotherapy etc. but other than that, we feel pretty ready. Karen has requested that Pip doesn't arrive before Thursday though, as she gets to hand over responsibility for one of her studios on Wednesday, and she hasn't finished the handover notes yet! I think that Pip will be fairly happy to oblige ;o)

2007-02-23T08:42:00.000Z

Fed up of waiting

I'm having a real "get the baby out now!" day. My feet and ankles have gradually been getting more swollen over the last week, and now my legs feel like lead weights all the time, even at night, and elevation doesn't really seem to help much at all. My blood pressure is still normal, so the midwife says there's nothing to worry about, but it's darned uncomfortable/painful. And my legs feel like they are attached to my pelvis via big metal pins. OUCH. Add to that my pretty-much-constant headache, back ache and feeling a bit nauseous, and I'm feeling very sorry for myself indeed. All of this leads to not very much sleep, and disrupting Karen with my (slow-motion) tossing/turning and accompanying grumbling/swearing.
I've got a reflexology appointment at lunchtime, so hopefully that may help somewhat. And I'm drinking water like it's going out of fashion, to try and flux any excess salts/toxins out of my system. Must remember to consult my homeopathic book again to see if I've got anything that could help.

The good news from the last couple of days is that Pip has now properly turned around to the anterior position, with his/her spine lying down my tummy, which bodes well. He/she had a very quiet day on Wednesday, so much so that I suddenly realised at lunchtime that I couldn't remember the last time that I had consciously felt Pip move (as opposed to being conscious of the bulk of the bump). Needless to say, I got myself in a complete panic, thinking that Pip was dead and I'd have to give birth to a stillborn baby (I know that it's not at all likely, but having known someone whose baby did die at 38wks in utero, it's always been my biggest pregnancy fear). I tried to keep the panic under control, and was jiggling the bump around/poking at the baby to try and make it wake up. It was a good 10 minutes at least before I felt some movement though, and even then not much at all compared to normal. But at least I knew that Pip was still alive. I went down to our midwives' clinic for some reassurance, and they were great; we listened to the heartbeat and they didn't make me feel stupid at all for panicking; they said it was far better to come in, just in case there was something to worry about. It wasn't until the folllowing morning that I realised that Pip's new position was probably part of the reason for the much-reduced feeling of movements, but s/he was also clearly just not very active that day, as I felt a lot more movements again yesterday. So reassuring!

Our antenatal group (8 women) met up for coffee yesterday, with the first of the babies in attendance (3 wks old now; he arrived 2 wks early). He was so sweet and sleepy; not at all bothered about being passed around us all. The rest of us are still waiting, and the due dates are falling by the wayside now. We all feel more than ready for our babies to get here, but in the meantime, we're arranging a cinema visit for one afternoon early next week to pass the time, which should be fun.

2007-02-21T07:57:00.000Z

Legally a couple after 13 years!

The full set of pictures from our civil partnership registration ceremony is here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/80025068@N00/sets/72157594539576000/

I've finally got around to uploading some of the photos from our special day - already almost 2 weeks ago! It turned out to be a really lovely occasion, even though it was so low-key. We'd been meaning to become legal civil partners since the law changed in December 2005, allowing lesbian and gay couples to register as partners throughout the UK. But first ttc, and then pregnancy got in the way of actually making it happen. Plus we couldn't agree on how we wanted to celebrate the day, so we just never really got the ball rolling. However, with Pip's arrival imminent, it made a lot of sense to do it now for legal reasons (as Karen can now apply for parental responsibility for Pip - once he/she is born - without having to go through the courts; it's just a rubber-stamping paper exercise), and then to have a separate celebration party some time in the summer, which we will combine with a non-religious naming ceremony for Pip.

So, all in all, it was a very quiet affair, with my youngest sister Fran and Karen's cousin Pat as witnesses, and my mother Diana plus our friends Mick and Mal as the only other guests. Our aim was to keep it very small so that no-one else could feel left out! Not sure if we've achieved that, but hey, where do you draw the line otherwise? With a CP ceremony, there is no legal requirement to exchange vows of any kind; you just have to declare that you are legally free to enter the partnership, and then sign a bit of paper. Not very romantic or memorable. However, the local registry office gave us a choice of 3 ceremonies/sets of vows that we could use, into which we could then incorporate readings and music that we chose. Karen and I entered to Ella Fitzgerald's "You Do Something To Me" (which started Karen off on the tears front), and once the registrar had done the welcome (she was great, and really made the simple ceremony feel like it had a lot of meaning), my mother did this reading by Anne Morrow Linbergh, from A Gift From The Sea:

A good relationship has a pattern like a dance, and is built on some of the same rules. The partners do not need to hold on tightly, because they move confidently in the same pattern, intricate but gay, and swift and free, like a country dance of Mozart’s. To touch heavily would be to arrest the pattern and freeze the movement, to check the endlessly changing beauty of its unfolding. There is no place here for the possessive clutch, the clinging arm, the heavy hand; only the barest touch in passing. Now arm in arm, now face to face, now back to back – it does not matter which. Because they know they are partners moving to the same rhythm, creating a pattern together, and being invisibly nourished by it. The joy of such a pattern is not only the joy of creation or the joy of participation, it is also the joy of living in the moment. Lightness of touch and living in the moment are intertwined.*

My mother always cries at weddings, so she did amazingly well to keep her voice from wobbling almost until the very end of the reading! Karen and I then exchanged vows and rings; Karen went first and got really emotional so she was both crying, laughing and speaking in a really high-pitched voice which was rather funny. I was able to say mine without any problem, although I had the biggest grin on my face (my mother said afterwards how she'd never seen me look so happy). And then it was my turn to do a reading; the Atlas poem by U.A. Fanthorpe which for me expresses so perfectly how I show my love for Karen on a day-to-day basis, even though I'm pretty rubbish at big romantic gestures (see post on 19 Jan - I couldn't work out how to link directly to it). And yes, my voice did start catching while I was reading it...

Once we'd signed the register, the ceremony was concluded, and we left to the sound of Madeleine Peyroux's "Dance Me To The End Of Love", heading out to the (rather chilly) garden for photos, including rice-throwing opportunities. I ended up with a lot of rice down my cleavage! There are some good pictures of this bit in the set, including some of my flowers, a lovely spring bouquet which had unexpectedly arrived that morning, from my sister Christabel who's currently living in Australia.

We headed back home for a celebratory glass of pink champagne, then it was off to a local restaurant for a leisurely lunch, lubricated by plenty of alcohol. I even allowed myself some yummy stinky soft cheese, accompanied by a glass of Rioja (working on the basis that the baby's pretty much fully developed now) and we also had some truly delicious dessert wine from the Veneto, that was unlike any other wine I've ever tasted. And then back home for wedding cake, even though we were all full already. Everyone off to their various destinations by early evening; we were completely exhausted (and I was starting to feel hungover from my 2 glasses of wine, having been so unaccustomed to alcohol) and we were in bed, fast asleep, by 8.45pm! It was a lovely day, and probably all the more memorable for having been such an intimate affair, uncomplicated by the stresses of organising a big "do".

* the funniest thing about this is that even though Karen chose this reading, from a book of wedding/partnership celebrations written by the Humanist Society, I discovered a few days ago that her interpretation/memory of it was that it was about the weaving of a carpet, not a dance!

2007-02-20T15:27:00.000Z

Glorious bread

Catching up with Jen's blog, I was introduced to this recipe by Mark Bittman, for a fabulous no-knead loaf. It really is seriously easy; just a bit of mixing (takes about 1 minute), an unattended long slow rise (approx 18hrs), which also develops the flavour, a bit of shaping, followed by a second (2hr) rise, then bake in a hot oven. And the results are fabulous.

I made the loaf with half wholewheat bread flour, rather than the original all white flour (I've been eating unrefined carbs for so long now, I almost can't bring myself to eat white bread!). And for any fellow Brits, the cup measurements convert to about 450g/1lb flour and 400ml/14 fl oz water. I baked it in a cast iron casserole measuring 23-25cm/9-10 inches in diameter. The dough was decidedly on the sticky side (I had to work in a fair bit of flour when shaping, just to make the dough possible to handle, so maybe with our different flour types you need a bit extra to start with), but as you can see, the recipe turned out looking fantastic. It tastes great too, and I love the texture; chewy crust and a moist (but not damp) crumb. And I didn't have any problems with it burning (although having baked it in the Aga, the oven temp is probably closer to 425F/220C/gas 7 than the specified 450F.

Thanks for the recipe pointer Jen - I can see that it really would be easy to make this loaf on a regular basis. Although it would also be far too easy to eat too much bread as well - I've already eaten a third of the loaf in the past 2 hours! Next however, I'm going to try Mark Bittman's recipe for sourdough (from How To Cook Everything), following Emilin's comments on Jen's original bread post. I've never had much luck with sourdough starters before, so it's good to get a personal recommendation for a recipe.

2007-02-19T11:56:00.000Z

Antenatal appointment update (plus a bit of astrology)

My midwife Lisbeth has just been round to do the 38wk check and everything is looking good, but not imminent for labour starting. Pip is now partially engaged (1/5 of head in, 4/5 out - woohoo!), and has definitely made progress in finding a better position for birth. Lisbeth confirmed what I thought, that Pip's back is now down my left hand side, so hopefully he/she will keep moving round a bit more to get into the optimal anterior position, aided by my efforts to encourage him/her. She said that I have the blood pressure "of an 18 year old" at 110/60, and there were no problems with the urine test. She found Pip's heartbeat straightaway; average rate of 150bpm.

Quite apart from the antenatal stuff, we had a lovely long chat over coffee; she was very pleased to hear about our civil partnership and name change (and enjoyed seeing the photos - I'm going to do a post about this later, with the Flickr link). I also talked about all the birth prep stuff that I've been doing, and she was delighted to hear about the antenatal yoga, homeopathy, breathing and hypnotherapy - she's really incredibly supportive of all my/our plans for a natural birth, and had lots of encouraging things to say about how these things have helped previous women in her care. She actually asked again if we definitely wanted a hospital birth. I said that I wasn't averse to a homebirth by any means, but that we feel "safer" planning for a hospital birth for our first baby (Karen in particular feels this way; over time I have been leaning more and more in favour of a homebirth). Lisbeth said to see how it all goes when labour actually starts, as we could change our minds when the time comes and stay at home for the birth if all is going well and my coping mechanisms work out. I really hope that Lisbeth is on call when I go into labour, as we would both love her to deliver our baby. It's not that we don't like the other 4 midwives on the team (although there's one that's a bit quiet/dull), but we have definitely bonded with Lisbeth, and not just because we've seen her the most (as she's our "named" midwife). However, she's just about to take 2 weeks holiday - arrrgh! She'll be back at work on the 5th March, so Pip needs to wait until after the due date if this is to happen. I'm still thinking that Pip is going to be born around the 7th/8th March; Karen's guess is by this Friday, 23rd February!

Whenever Pip comes, s/he is going to be a lucky Golden Pig, now that Chinese New Year has passed. Karen and I are both Dogs (she is an Earth Dog, I'm a Metal Dog). Apparently, this is the year of being a Fire Pig/Boar; individuals born in this year are deep, motivated by affection, stubborn, sensual and irresponsible! I've never really looked into Chinese astrology before (I ignore most star sign stuff, as I don't think that I really fit the characteristics of my Western star sign, Aries, very well at all), but the brief characterisation of a Metal Dog that I just read seems to fit me pretty well. Interesting!

2007-02-19T07:48:00.000Z

Sleepless in Colchester

Another rubbish night's sleep; less than 4hrs. I woke up to go to the loo at 3.40am, and that was that. Unfortunately, I also woke Karen up (she doesn't sleep well at the best of times), and we mostly just lay there awake in the dark until her alarm went off at 6am. I listened to my birth hypno CD on the iPod, followed by the accompanying relaxing birth music, which took up about 1 3/4hrs. And we had some nice cuddling. But it was mostly just frustratingly pointless, not helped by the various aches and pains in my body (lower back, neck and shoulders, plus "heavy" feet). At least Karen didn't get to share that part (apart from my grumblings, huffing and puffing).

Cali commented on my hacksaw search seeming like a good sign for impending birth - sadly, this is something I'm typically obsessive about, so it's not out-of-the-ordinary behaviour. When I start a project, I like to make sure that I finish it, and tidy everything away as well. I'm kind of stubborn like that, so the fact that the curtain rail is still lying on the kitchen counter is a bit of a bugbear right now.
One project that I haven't finished is an embroidery intended for Pip's room - I actually started it during the 2ww of this IVF cycle as part of my positive thinking, and have barely touched it since we got the "pregnant" result. I'd forgotten all about it until I found it in the hunt for my thimble yesterday, as part of my curtain making. I do want to try and get it done (there's nothing at all on the walls at the moment), but I want to concentrate on the bigger sewing jobs first. Today's task is to make a curtain for the front door. And then maybe some more towelling changing mats/wash mitts, as I've already given away most of the ones I made.

2007-02-18T21:47:00.000Z

No news

Having been fairly convinced that I might go into labour overnight, there is absolutely no change in status whatsoever! Looks like all my instincts were wrong (and maybe my manic activity yesterday was just down to adrenaline fuelled by cumulative lack of sleep).

Spent the morning making a heavy curtain for our back door, to guard against draughts, but haven't been able to put it up yet as I couldn't find a hacksaw to cut the curtain rail to size. Will go and buy one tomorrow so that I can finish that job, and I've also got to make another curtain for the front door. We drove to the coast at Walton-on-the-Naze for lunch; our intention was to go to the pie and mash shop (Karen's favourite form of comfort food, being a true Cockney girl), but sadly they've changed their opening times and are now closed on Sundays (perhaps because it's low season). So we had fish and chips instead, with a mug of tea and a buttered roll (more proper English food), and then went for a walk on the pier (a very short walk due to the cold and my back feeling sore). Karen then insisted on playing some arcade machines, trying to win a cuddly toy with one of those grabber machines that never let you win anything. We headed back home and had hot chocolate to warm up, then I had a long nap. Woke up feeling decidedly sick with the fish and chips repeating on me - not so nice second time around. Have been feeling fairly crappy for the last 3hrs now, but will head for bed soon.
Haven't listened to my hypno CD yet today - maybe I'll upload it to my iPod so that I can listen to it in bed without disturbing Karen.

Oh, and no antenatal visit after all, as our midwife got held up delivering a baby this morning, so I'm seeing her tomorrow instead. I'm hoping that there is good news on either the positioning or engagement front. I'm finding it completely impossible to judge Pip's position myself, partly because it keeps changing, but also my bump feels too hard most of the time to be able to distinguish body parts easily.

2007-02-17T20:48:00.000Z

Feeling........ different.

I think that Pip may be making an appearance sooner than I'd been anticipating (but in line with Karen's expectations!). There's been a big shift in both mental attitude and physical feelings today. Somehow, it just feels like I'm ready now, and that labour isn't all that far off. It's a very strange feeling, but calming. Or of course, it could still be 2-3 weeks away and I may just be sleep-deprived and running a bit high on adrenaline!

I woke up at 5.15am (so I'd had about 5 hrs sleep, with one bathroom visit around 3am). Couldn't get back to sleep - nothing new there - so I got up around 5.45am. Came downstairs, and started doing some paperwork that I've been putting off (all to do with my name change following the civil partnership - there are so many organisations to inform!). Karen got up just after 8am, and after breakfast I decided to tackle the filing cabinet; a job I've been meaning to get around to for months. I spent nearly 3 hrs going through all the files, shredding old/irrelevant documents, re-organising categories, and pulling out stuff relating to all the organisations I need to contact regarding my new surname. I filled an enormous bag with shredded paperwork - very satisfying! I then moved on to sorting out some boxes of stuff that have been hanging around forever; things that needed to be found a new home when my study became Pip's room. I've been feeling a real compulsion to sort, organise and tidy stuff away today. It certainly feels like nesting - even if they were all tasks I've been planning for a while. However, it was only when I started looking at our antique brass door handles and thinking about polishing them that I started to wonder if it was all down to that infamous nesting instinct (although I didn't actually polish them!). But I did turn out the laundry cupboard and clear out the accumulated dust and fibres. And after I'd had a long soak in the bath, listening to my hypno CD, I then did a load of washing, made up the spare bed ready for my mother's arrival (she'll come down whenever I go into labour), and then emptied and re-packed my hospital bag, to see what might be missing/needs to be added at the last minute. So I'm certainly ready mentally (and with a tidy house to boot).

As for physically, there have been quite a few differences there too. For one thing, the bump just feels bigger, tighter and heavier. It sounds a bit stupid to say this, but it simply feels like there isn't possibly any more room in there; my skin feels stretched tight like a drum, and the bump is really firm. Pip has been really active today; lots of big movements and protruding limbs/bum etc. Much more going on than normal. I still don't feel as if I've experienced the lightening of engagement, but who knows? I think that Pip may be lying down my left side, but it's hard to tell (and it's been changing throughout the day). I've also been experiencing lots of twinges in my pelvic joints, which I haven't really had to much extent before. I have been much thirstier than normal too; I've drunk litres of water today!

So, it's now just a case of "wait and see". I can't really settle to anything much right now, and besides, my back has been really sore all day, so I think that I may go and listen to my hypno CD again, sitting in the new rocker-glider, and then have an earlyish night. It will be very interesting to see if these instincts are right or wrong.
I'll post again if there are any dramatic changes, but if not, we've got our 38wk midwife visit in the morning, so we'll see what she has to say about Pip's position/degree of engagement etc.

2007-02-17T06:38:00.000Z

Congratulations (albeit slightly belated on this blog) to Stacey & Angele in Toronto, on the birth of their daughter Riley on Valentine's Day. Stacey has already posted her birth story, and they are very organised with posting photos and video of their gorgeous girl already, even though Riley's only 4 days old!

Of course, what this also means is that amongst the Rainbow Conceptions regulars, I'm due next! But I could be overtaken by Beth & Rose (due 10 March) or Riley and Kristi (due 17 March), as it doesn't feel like Pip wants to make a move to the outside world any time soon.

2007-02-16T22:25:00.000Z

38 weeks and the belly button pops!

Not that you can really see it on this picture, and it's not dramatically sticky-out (yet), but it's a strangely pleasing phenomenon. I've also developed a bit of a stretchmark on the lower part of the belly - not bad going to have avoided them until now. The rest of my bump pics (past and present) are here.

Somehow it seems strange that my belly is still growing, as everything else now is a case of just waiting for the birth, so it seems like the baby and the bump should just stay as they are too. Not the case however! I'm pretty sure that Pip still hasn't engaged, although we'll find out for sure on Sunday when the midwife visits. Pip is mostly back-to-back, but is moving around quite a bit, so sometimes I feel the spine which is good as it means that he/she isn't stuck in one position. I'm doing lots of hip circling on my birthing ball, plus pelvic tilts on all fours (cat position in yoga), and sitting on a backwards kitchen chair when watching TV etc. in the evenings; all to promote best posture/positioning. I've also tried the inversion position recommended on http://www.spinningbabies.com/ but it's darned hard work! Couldn't manage more than about a minute and a half.

I've also just got a hypnotherapy "preparation for birth" CD; it would have been good to have started with this a couple of weeks back, but as I'm pretty sure that Pip won't arrive until after the due date, I still have a while to listen to it repeatedly and get the triggers embedded in my brain. It's very similar to Hypnobirthing principles, which I'd been reading about for quite some time. As well as preparing me for a calmer birth, it's also wonderfully relaxing for now! And I've got an accompanying relaxing music CD to play during labour, which will act as triggers for the hypno stuff. I have to say, with all the breathing practice, antenatal yoga and my homeopathic birth kit, I feel as prepared as I can for the birth. I'm actually looking forward to it!

2007-02-12T19:40:00.000Z

Birth plan

We're only just getting around to writing our official birth plan, and I was wondering how the rest of you with upcoming due dates are hoping to give birth. Obviously I know that this is all based on best-case scenarios, but here goes mine:

If Karen had also been keen on the idea then I would have considered a home birth with a hired/purchased birthing pool, but we were both a bit unsure, seeing as it's all such an unknown quantity first time around, so we feel happy with going the hospital route for a first baby. We're already talking about homebirth for subsequent child/ren though!

I'm really hoping that we get to use the birthing pool at the hospital when I go into labour. There's only 1 amongst the 8 delivery suites at our hospital, but a lot of women aren't interested, so they save that suite until last when allocating them, unless they are really busy. I've just finished Janet Balaskas' book on waterbirth, and it's been fascinating. It sounds like such a lovely way to give birth, and to welcome your baby into the world calmly. I enjoy being in water anyway, and very much like the idea that while the water won't make the pain go away (and can make the contractions more intense), it also enables you to move around a lot more easily as you are supported by the buoyancy. So I hope that it's free when we ring up the hospital saying that labour has started!

However, if it's not, then we'll clearly have to manage without (although I'll probably try and take advantage of a regular bath if that's all that's available). I feel reasonably prepared for the birth, having done lots of reading (hypnobirthing, gentle birth method etc.), plus my antenatal yoga, which has all helped me to feel that I have plenty of "tools" to cope. The yoga in particular has made me feel very relaxed about it, so I'm not fearful of labour (although I'm sure that I will still panic a bit when it actually starts!). I still haven't actually started practicing the hypnobirthing stuff - just not sufficiently dedicated I guess, but I'm planning to use the breathing techniques that they recommend, which I have been practicing to some extent. I've also got a birth kit (and a post-natal kit) from my homeopath, full of remedies to use in different circumstances.

All in all, we're hoping for as natural a birth as possible, but if the pain gets really bad/labour too long/intense or I'm just not coping very well, then I will use some form of stronger pain relief if I think it's going to get me through. I am not planning on being a martyr wedded to the cause of natural birth! I really don't care much at all for the idea of pethidine/meptid, especially with the breastfeeding issues that can arise; and we'd both rather avoid me having epidural if possible. But if we do take the epidural route, then we'll make sure that I stay in upright positions to get gravity to help for second stage. The statistics in our area for interventions following an epidural are scarily high!

In an ideal scenario though, I'll hopefully labour at home until around 5cm dilated, using a hired Tens machine and my yoga positions/breathing stuff to help with contractions. Having our community midwife team who come and check your progress at home, and accompany us to hospital/stay with us for the delivery is very reassuring - it feels like having a team of free doulas on call! Then on to the hospital when they advise it, and hopefully the birthing pool; if not, I want to try and remain as mobile/upright as possible, using the birthing ball/leaning on the bed etc. May try gas and air if I feel I need it/it helps.

I find it really bizarre that all the books recommend you state what kind of position you want to deliver your baby in - how on earth can you know what's going to feel right in advance?! All I know is, not on my back thanks very much. When the baby is actually delivered, I really want Karen to be the first one to hold the baby and to pass him/her to my chest, discovering the gender together. We're quite happy for the baby to have vitamin K via injection, while we're holding him/her, and we want as many of the examinations as possible to be carried out while we hold the baby, although obviously some weighing/measuring needs to be done. Karen will cut the cord (when it's finished pulsating), and I want to deliver the placenta naturally if possible (although if it doesn't happen within 30 mins or so, then I'll consider the injection). We don't plan on taking the placenta home ;o) And obviously I want to try and breastfeed ASAP after delivery.

Of course we are aware that this is all if everything goes according to plan - if things take a turn for the dramatic, we'll do whatever we're advised to by the medical team (we have confidence that our midwives won't push us in the direction of anything we don't want to do unless strictly necessary). I just hope that we don't end up going through a really long hard labour that ends up with an emergency C-section as so many of my friends have in the last year or two.

It seems quite extraordinary to imagine that some or all the above will happen within a matter of days. Somehow it still doesn't feel quite real.

2007-02-12T19:27:00.000Z

Bad blogger....

I've been AWOL again. Not for any really justifiable reason, I've had quite a bit to post about but haven't felt sufficiently motivated. Things that I want to blog about:

Antenatal classes in a hettie environment
Baby re-positioning (Pip is back-to-back, and has been for as long as I can remember/have been aware that s/he is also head down)
More feelings of discomfort, how I've been coping, and how I'm now also happier to wait for Pip to arrive when he/she is ready
All the stuff I've been reading to prepare for the birth/early days
Birth plan
All the sewing that I'm doing (mainly baby stuff)
Newly acquired baby equipment (buggy/carseat, Amby hammock, Hugabub wrap)
First "proper" Braxton Hicks contractions (yesterday, walking around the DIY store) - woohoo!

The main reason that I haven't been posting is because I've wanted to accompany most of the posts that I've planned with pictures - and something has broken in my camera/laptop connection. Boo. I think that I'll just have to start posting some of the above stuff anyway.
If there's anyone out there left reading such an inactive blog!

ETA: I can't believe that I forgot that I also want to blog about the fact that I now have a wife, as of Friday when we had our civil partnership ceremony. Talk about pregnancy forgetfulness. Doh! That one definitely needs pictures.

2007-01-31T12:04:00.000Z

More human than zombie

I'm delighted to report that yesterday's massage has proved pretty much life-changing! Not only do I feel able to move much more easily, and able to find a position to lie down in bed that doesn't hurt, I slept really well last night. I slept solidly for a full 5 1/2hr stretch before I needed to get up and pee, and I then dozed on and off for a further 4hrs until 9am. I feel like a different person - or rather, I feel like me again, instead of this automaton.
I shall definitely be booking further massages for the next few weeks until Pip is born. Anything to maintain some semblance of feeling like a real person!

2007-01-30T18:00:00.000Z

A low patch

I've been feeling pretty rubbish for the past week, so haven't felt inspired to post. My back has really been playing up; I've always had a tendency towards lower back pain and towards neck/shoulder stress, and the pregnancy has exacerbated these as time has gone on. With the increasing curvature of the spine, my posture has become absolutely terrible! I've had a constant splitting headache for the last week due to the tension in my neck, and this has really got me down. Whatever position I'm in, day or night, I feel really uncomfortable, and it's making decent sleep pretty impossible. I'm constantly exhausted. Whatever I do, there just doesn't seem to be any relief, just different ways of feeling bad. I've been for a proper massage this afternoon however, and I do feel that I'm moving rather more easily, so I hope that it lasts. I'll have a good soak in the bath tonight so that I don't seize up, and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Karen tried to remind me of all the time that I used to spend wishing that I was pregnant; can't say this helped a lot! I know that it seems ungrateful to be complaining about a condition that I had wanted so much, but pain is pain, and I'm feeling pretty much ready for all this to be over now. It could still be another 6 weeks though!

2007-01-22T08:23:00.000Z

And the sleep (issue) goes on......

As a matter of fact, I managed to sleep straight through until 4.45am this morning before my bladder forced me to wake and rise (and subsequently lie there in the dark waiting for Karen's alarm to go off at 6.30am so that I could "justify" getting up - boring!). Saturday night I slept from about midnight until 3am, then was awake until about 5.15am, then slept for another hour and a half before waking for good. So by my current standards, I actually had an excellent night's sleep, at around 5 1/2hrs in one stretch. I think that I really ought to try and go to bed/sleep earlier in the evening than 11ish, to see if that will help me get any more sleep overall. Problem is, Karen doesn't come to bed until at least 11pm, which is at best mildly disturbing, and at worst, can wake me up again completely. Added to which, during the week, she often doesn't get in from working/commuting until 8.30-9pm, so if I head up to bed at around 9.30pm (which is often what I feel like doing), then we hardly see each other at all. Ugh. At least I have the luxury, now that I'm not working any more, of being able to try and take daytime naps, which often feel like a much better quality of sleep anyway, even if they're only short ones. Probably quite a lot to do with it just being me in the bed!

Other news: we met the fourth midwife in our community group of five yesterday, when she came for our 34 week antenatal appointment. Another very chatty one, and likeable, so we've just got one more to meet at our 36 weeker, and then we've met the whole team. We're incredibly lucky to fall under a community team, simply by virtue of where we live. They do all the antenatal care, are with you for delivery (hospital or home - your choice), and then do follow-up post-natal visits as well. If we hadn't been able to benefit from this system, I would have wanted to use a doula, but it simply hasn't felt necessary. It feels like we are getting doula services, but for free! We still like our "named" midwife, Lisbeth, the best, so we are hoping that she will be available when I actually go into labour. She's great fun (and more than a little bit mad), but pretty no-nonsense (whilst respecting of our views), so I feel that the whole thing would go well with her around, and she would keep us going if things were dragging on.
Anyway, all was normal with the usual checks, although it was a struggle for her to find the heartbeat as Pip was moving around so much! S/he was head down at that point, but is most certainly not engaged - there has been much in the way of acrobatics in the last week or so, and I've finally been able to start identifying body parts by feel, but they are always in different places every time I try!

I've also realised that I have definitely been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions - my belly quite often feels very tight, but because there was no real "sensation", I wasn't sure if that was what was going on or not. However, last night, there was a definite different feeling to accompany the tightness; slightly draggy/achey/crampy, a bit like a low period pain. Rather uncomfortable, but good to know that my uterus is getting ready!

I am suffering from pretty serious back pain now - my lower back has always been a problem area, and obviously pregnancy and the even-greater-than-normal curvature of my spine has exacerbated the issue for some time. Obviously I'm used to suffering a degree of pain from it much of the time, and have my coping strategies, but sadly these don't seem to be helping much now. It HURTS! I'm just trying to be really careful with my posture, change position regularly, and do my yoga/stretching exercises to stop it getting even worse. I saw my chiropractor last week, and although the treatment helped temporarily, and I'm a lot less stiff than I was before seeing her, I'm now just really sore all the time. I don't suppose that there's going to be an awful lot I can do about it now - probably stuck with it until the baby arrives and I can finally straighten up again.

2007-01-19T19:39:00.000Z

My favourite poem

Most people, even those who know us fairly well, would probably think that Karen is the less romantic of the two of us - not true! She often organises little romantic gestures, while I'm completely crap at that kind of thing. Instead, I show my love for her (and other important people in my life) via the things that I do for them, often just little things that are designed to make their lives easier. As such, they may go un-noticed, but it's just the way that I demonstrate love.

So this poem sums up perfectly my relationship with Karen, and how I show my love for her everyday. I'm thinking of reading it at our Civil Partnership ceremony in 3 weeks time.

ATLAS
By UA Fanthorpe

There is a kind of love called maintenance,
Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;

Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget
The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;

Which answers letters; which knows the way
The money goes; which deals with dentists

And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds

The permanently ricketty elaborate
Structures of living; which is Atlas.

And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows what time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dry-rotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in air,
As Atlas did the sky.

2007-01-18T05:44:00.000Z

Elusive sleep

Or in other words, I'm f***ing knackered. In the last 10 days, I've reached a stage where I'm only getting a maximum of 6 hrs sleep a night, and it's more usually only in the 4-5hrs region. When I get up for one of my bathroom visits, I then just can't get back to sleep. My mind starts racing, and I think about the most ridiculous things, but just can't stop myself. My homeopath has suggested taking a tissue salt, Kali Phos, which settles the nerves, but that hasn't had much effect as yet (although it is only night 2 trying it!). And I keep trying my yoga breathing, which usually manages to relax me enough to drop off again, eventually. But what I need right now is a big OFF switch for my brain. Tonight/this morning, I only managed to make it until 3am. I tried to get back to sleep, in bed, for 1 3/4hrs before admitting defeat. So here I am blogging.

Funny thing is, it is showing me that I will be able to function much better than imagined with the upcoming sleep deprivation. Only problem is that I stay completely wired throughout the day - I'm running on adrenaline at the moment.

2007-01-15T18:37:00.000Z

(Still) in my pyjamas at 6.30pm on a Monday.

Yes, it's true, I've given in to my inner pregnant sluttiness, and simply not bothered to do anything in the least bit constructive today. Instead, I've had a really lovely time surfing all day - I think that I've now been on the laptop for almost 11 hours! Really must log off soon as my neck/shoulders are killing me, and my back is suffering somewhat too.

We had a very busy weekend (antenatal class Saturday morning, about which I'll post soon), and then lots of moving/re-organising, which has resulted in my study being transformed into a nursery, ready for Pip's arrival. We've just got the filing cabinet still to move out (when we can recruit some muscle to help Karen), but other than that, and getting the crib from my rather ditsy friend, it's essentially ready. I've only just ordered the fabric to make new curtains, but there's already a blackout blind in there. The long and short of it is that if I went into labour tonight, we'd be ready in terms of equipment (although we haven't yet collected the buggy/carseat from the baby store). Not quite ready mentally for labour yet though, so hopefully Pip will carry on growing inside of me for a good few weeks yet. I still haven't started practising the hypno/breathing I am hoping will help in labour - not much time left now, so I'd better get on with that soon.

The other key thing we did at the weekend was to go and view the shots from the portrait session that we had done last week. The framed prints are hideously expensive, but we are really pleased with the results, and we've never done anything like this before so we don't feel too bad about the cost. We wanted to capture us as a couple, plus some bump shots, at this very special time in our lives, and we think that they make a great collection (you can see the whole set of pics here although they are scanned from a black & white printout so aren't of great quality). And as my sister pointed out, we aren't having a wedding photographer or anything fancy for our CP, so that also helps us justify the expense. My absolute favourite is the shot at the top of this post.

2007-01-09T15:14:00.000Z

Exciting news!

But not shocking - Pip is still safely in the womb where s/he should be. However, the news is not un-related to Pip and his/her arrival - Karen and I are finally getting around to registering as Civil Partners! The Civil Partnership Act came into law in the UK at the end of 2005, and it enables same-sex couples to legally register their relationship, and to gain many legal rights which put them on a nearly, but not quite, equal footing to married couples.

We have been meaning to get around to organising our Civil Partnership for the last year, and had originally intended to do it last September. However, first ttc, and then pregnancy rather got in the way of planning the event, and we also had very different ideas initially of what we wanted it to be. Karen wanted a very private ceremony (if she could do away with the legal requirement for 2 witnesses then she would!), followed by a big party for virtually everyone we know, but without any real mention of the fact of our civil partnership at the party. Whereas I wanted it to be close friends and family, who would be able to be a part of the ceremony, followed by a gathering at home or a nice meal out. In other words, I wanted it to be something closer to an actual wedding, as I wanted our friends/family to view it as being as significant in our lives as a wedding would be. So it all got rather fraught for a while, and by the time we had worked out a compromise, it was then rather late to organise anything for our proposed date (and I was in the 1st tri and didn't exactly have the necessary energy to do so).

As it is, we have decided to separate the legal and celebratory parts, so that we can have the legal ceremony before Pip is born (as long as s/he doesn't decide to arrive before February 9th!), and then we'll have a party in the summer to celebrate both our Civil Partnership, and our baby's arrival. My youngest sister Fran and (hopefully) Karen's cousin Patsy will be our witnesses for the legalities; my mother will be back from her current trip to Australia to visit my middle sister and so will able to be there, and we may also invite a few more friends to join us for a celebratory lunch afterwards.

The main benefit of getting the Civil Partnership done now rather than later (quite apart from the fact that having a new baby to keep us busy might mean that we keep putting it off) is that Karen will be able to get Parental Responsibility for Pip very easily; it's just a case of getting the right forms and getting them rubber-stamped at the court. Without being civil partners, we would have to go to court, probably with a lawyer, and argue Karen's case for having Parental Responsibility granted. And of course we'll end up with all sorts of other legal rights as a result of being civil partners, especially regarding tax and inheritance. We really must get wills written up - something we've been meaning to do ever since we bought our first property together about 10 years ago!

Even though we are essentially doing this for the legalities, I'm really quite excited about it happening at long last. And of course, it is wonderful that we are confirming our commitment to each other, and to the outside world (even though we won't tell most people until after the event). So now we need to decide what we want in terms of a ceremony (readings, music etc., although this is all optional - the actual CP registration is simply a matter of signing a few documents!), buy some rings to exchange, and maybe get something new/special to wear. We won't have a professional photographer or anything fancy, but I will organise some flowers, and bake us a special cake to celebrate the day.

2007-01-05T17:33:00.000Z

Busy bees... or lots happening, no blogging.

I'm such a rubbish blogger - I keep on having ideas for blog posts, but then by the time I've worked my way through my blogroll/regular sites, I've either forgotten what I was going to post about, or no longer feel inspired/simply can't be bothered. I think that I need to start posting short, sweet entries at the beginning of the day!

Christmas was a great success for the most part, and everyone seemed to have a good time (apart from Karen saying that she never wants to see my stepfather again - another post perhaps). I was however completely hyperactive and control freak-y about trying to make everything perfect, even though everyone was more than willing to muck in. I didn't get much more than 5-6hrs sleep most nights while everyone was here; kept getting up early and starting preparations for the day ahead! But I did enjoy it all the same (I do love feeding people - it's definitely a way of showing people that I love them). Anyway, as a result of stressing myself out I think, I ended up breaking out in a nasty rash on Christmas Eve, which was very dry & sore, turning into itchy as time has gone on (it still hasn't entirely disappeared). It did make me more aware of my need to take time out for myself! I look completely unglamorous in all the Christmas photos as I could only wear loose cotton clothing (i.e. PJs!).

It was a relief to have the house back to ourselves though - 4 days of guests was plenty! We spent the next few days getting organised for Pip's arrival, going shopping for all the small essentials like nail clippers, baby bath stuff, nipple cream etc. And I spent nearly an entire day on-line getting my thinking sorted on cloth nappies (diapers) and wraps/slings to carry the baby in. Having thought that we might have to invest a small fortune in the nappies, I was pointed in the direction of a nappy hire service that is closing down and selling off its stock, so I was able to buy a mixed selection of (second hand) shaped nappies & wraps for £2 apiece (new they are around £7-8) - bargain! I'm really happy about this, as we can try out the different makes and see which works for us, before committing to a major purchase of one particular brand (when we need to go for a bigger size).

We still need to actually finish clearing out my study and transform it into a nursery, but first we have to go to IKEA for new bookshelves, so that we can store my work files etc. in our bedroom. We just couldn't bear the thought of attempting an IKEA run post-Christmas! Maybe over the weekend we will brave it. We're going to pick up the crib/cotbed that we're getting on permanent loan from my friend tomorrow, then the only major purchases left to make are new mattresses, bedding and our coveted rocker-glider chair. Other than that, we're pretty much sorted. I even started packing my/Pip's hospital bags! Early I know, but hopefully we won't be needing them for several weeks yet. It's both scary and exciting to think that our baby will be with us in 10 weeks time at the most!

2006-12-21T17:39:00.000Z

Christmas cookathon - the prep

It's been apron on, and flour all over the kitchen today, as my Christmas food preparation finally got under way. Given that I'm a cook, and an obsessive planner/list maker, and I had been determined to be super-organised this Christmas to counteract pregnancy tiredness etc., you would have thought that I would have long ago planned what we were going to eat over the festive period (there will be 8 of us for most meals from Christmas Eve through to the 27th, plus 2-4 extra on Christmas Day). But no, I only got around to doing my menu plan yesterday afternoon. And all my other Christmas tasks have only been achieved in the last 10 days, instead of by the target date of December 1st. But bizarrely, I haven't been majorly stressing out about it (other things yes, the food, no).

Part of the reason for the lack of stress is because my mother has been an angel and done quite a bit of food prep already & frozen stuff to bring with her (stuffings & sauces for the big meal, plus a shepherds' pie, a lentil/bean bake & a dessert to feed us all on Christmas Eve). So really, there aren't that many meals left to plan for, as the turkey extravaganza follows our traditional format, and several meals after that are based on cold cuts (plus vegetarian options for my brother & his girlfriend). And I promised myself that this year, I really would aim to keep things simple - no starters or unnecessary side dishes. No-one is likely to go hungry after all. But at some point, I needed to plan it, and make sure that we actually had the right ingredients in the house. Menu plan done, I headed for the supermarket yesterday afternoon, highly detailed shopping list in hand, for the "big" food shop (I'm going to be doing another one tomorrow for the vegetables/perishables, and then picking up my turkey order from the butcher, and cheeses from the deli, on Saturday). In my naivety, I thought that it wouldn't be too busy if I went around an hour before the end of the school day. Oh, how wrong I was.

Nearly 2 hours later, I emerged with my trolley piled high, more or less triumphant (bizarrely, there was no decent vanilla ice cream available. Or pomegranates. Although the latter are more decorative than crucial). And I'd even managed to pick up a few extra presents for Karen along the way (of the DVD/book/CD and chocolates variety), which was good as her pile of presents was looking distinctly small and uninspired (a Fossil man's watch that she already knows about, and an aromatherapy penguin hottie that she doesn't. And something else that I can't even remember what it is. But I don't think that it's a surprise - except to me!!). So still pretty uninspired, but not quite as hopeless as it had been looking. She is sooooo hard to buy for, and this year I have absolutely no imagination whatsoever on the present-buying front. People should feel lucky that they're receiving any presents at all given my cotton-wool brain!

Anyway, back to the food stuff. Having lain awake for an hour already after an early-morning pee-stop, I decided to get up at 5.45am. I'd decorated the tree by 6.30am and was busy cooking by the time Karen got up (at which point I put on my newly purchased Christmas CD to get more in the festive mood). So far today I have made:

24 mince pies plus 12 spiced cranberry & apple pies (for the dried fruit-haters), with sweet orange pastry
Brandy butter to go with the mince pies and Christmas pudding (which is already made)
Sausage rolls with home-made flaky pastry
Leek, feta, sundried tomato & almond strudels
Rillettes (a coarse pork terrine - see photo above. I know that it looks a bit like cat food (or worse), and it was rather time consuming to shred all the meat, but mmmm, yum!!!!)
Chocolate ruggelach for breakfast treats (I've never made these before, but they sound so good)
Orange, almond & cardamom cake (it's actually more of a pudding than a cake)
Cranberry sauce
Choc-dipped fruits for petits fours (OK, so you can see I haven't entirely stuck to the KISS mantra)
And lots of ice cubes (not hard I know, but at least I've actually remembered to do it, in readiness for the gin/vodka & tonics for everyone else. I'll be on the Virgin Mary's).

Still to do: braised red cabbage, and icing the (already made ahead) Christmas cake. The rest of the food can be prepared with help from the assembled family/friends, as and when needed. And Karen (who never cooks) has volunteered to make a trifle as a lighter alternative to Christmas pudding (I think she was seduced by the idea of the champagne syllabub that's going on top, from one of my foodie magazines. Odd that). Now I just need to go and cook dinner (chicken & mushroom parcels, with potato gratin & sugar snap peas - I'm starving), and write my shopping list for tomorrow!

2006-12-18T10:35:00.000Z

Tears and frustration

I had complete pregnancy meltdown at the start of the weekend - poor Karen had to cope with me weeping all over her at 5am on Saturday morning! I'd got in a bad mood on Friday night before she got home, with various silly little things that had gone wrong (e.g. me dropping & breaking messy things from the fridge). But of course when Karen asked me what was wrong and I answered "lots of things", my poor pregnant brain couldn't even remember more than one thing that had happened - which was actually pretty funny! For about 30 seconds before I got in a grump again. I was partly in a bed temper because I'd been sitting on my own, waiting for her to come in from work (she'd been out with work colleagues for a Christmas drink) and writing all the Christmas cards, as I do every year, and feeling generally put upon at having to organise all the household stuff, even though normally I enjoy doing it (and always tend to find fault with Karen's way of doing stuff because it's not my way - which doesn't help matters any).

I woke up early on Saturday feeling completely overwhelmed at everything we had to do over the weekend to get ready for Christmas (and of course also thinking of all that we need to do before Pip arrives, even though we should have plenty of time to sort all that out). I just felt totally miserable & also fed up with myself for being so hopeless, as nothing was really wrong, I was just feeling completely frustrated and useless. After an hour or so, I got up & left Karen to sleep, and after I'd had a bit more of a cry downstairs and a cup of tea, I felt much better, and actually ended up having a pretty productive weekend! I wrapped all the Christmas presents, finished writing and sent the Christmas cards & then we went shopping and bought the last few presents we had left to buy, plus a couple of airbeds for Xmas guests. Plus a Christmas tree (although it's not up yet). And yesterday I cleaned out the fridge, and then had a complete sort out of my larder, which was positively overflowing with ingredients (quite a few out of date of course!).We also had to move everything out of the hallway and the living room last night, as we are having new flooring/carpet fitted this morning. So after we've put everything back tonight, the whole downstairs will be ready for Christmas - hurrah! At least I now feel much more organised & my brain feels a lot tidier as well as the house!

2006-12-15T10:12:00.000Z

AWOL

It's positively embarrassing how long it has been since I last posted - over 3 months! The original lack of internet access for about 6 weeks was the cause, and when we did get back on-line I just didn't quite know how to catch up on myself (plus I was suffering from pregnancy-induced apathy at the time). I kind of dropped out of the blogosphere for some time, not even reading other blogs for a while. It feels rather rude to suddenly start commenting again after such a long absence! But thanks to those of you who have commented here, expressing concern - we're all doing just fine thanks.

Anyway, I'm not going to worry too much about trying to catch up on the last 3 months happenings, as it would be pretty much impossible. Suffice to say, the pregnancy is progressing in a completely normal, text-book manner, which is highly gratifying! Having seen so many of my friends have difficult pregnancies, I knew that generally pregnancy wasn't plain sailing, but on the whole, I've been really lucky with it all. I'm not saying that it's been symptom free, but I do feel that I've had a pretty good time of it, at least once the major exhaustion lifted around week 16. I started feeling movement at week 18, and Pip hardly seems to stop moving these days! I positively love having a bump, and it's definitely growing fairly significantly at the moment (pic above is at 28 wks). Pip can recognise Karen's voice, and usually starts kicking dramatically in response when she gets home! We love playing with Pip inside my belly, getting him/her to respond to prods/words/music.

I'm now 29 weeks pregnant (which seems semi-impossible), so we're definitely in the 3rd tri countdown. It's gradually feeling more real that we will actually have a baby in the not too distant future; the growth and activity of the bump help a lot with that. Plus we've started making purchases/changes around the house ready for Pip's arrival, although we're not going into top gear on this until after Christmas (as we've got family/friends staying).

Antenatal classes start in January, which I'm looking forward to, but Karen is not. She's worried that we're all going to have to sit around in a circle, "sharing". So not her thing. Hopefully it will be more practically oriented than that. We've got 4 weekly evening classes of 2 hours each, interspersed with 2 x 4hr Saturday morning sessions. Sounds like a lot! We haven't got any really fixed ideas about the birth, as we know that the key to it all is being prepared to be flexible, as anything can happen. In an ideal world, I think that we may try for a waterbirth, but a lot will depend on whether the one pool at the delivery unit is available when needed! And while I'd rather try and do the birth drug-free if it's manageable, I certainly won't hold out if the pain just gets too much. I've been going to antenatal yoga classes for the last 10 weeks or so - it's a tiny group, which is great is it can be quite personalised. I'd never done any yoga before, but I've really been enjoying it, and find it very relaxing. It's helped majorly with the broken sleep patterns of pregnancy! Anyway, I'm really hoping that the yoga positions & breathing, plus some relaxation techniques I've been reading about (and must actually start practising!) will help with it all. It can't hurt anyway.

Right, that's quite enough for now. Not exactly fascinating reading, but at least it's an update at long last.

2006-09-06T17:35:00.000+01:00

Radio silence.....

.... or why I've not been blogging/ visited any of my usual sites. Our internet access at home has been down for the last 10 days or so, and we still don't know what the problem is (although it seems like some kind of fault on the line). So I'm having to access via a friend's computer, which means that I can't spend my usual several hours a day surfing, and what little time I do have has to focus around work (of which there is a lot at the moment). Trying to work from home without instant internet access is a complete and utter nightmare!
So, in case anyone was wondering why I've not been around, now you know. Hopefully "normal service" will resume before too long. And I'll finally get a chance to catch up with all the news that I've missed recently.

2006-08-21T19:20:00.000+01:00

Testing, testing

Antenatal testing that is. It's not that far into your pregnancy before you have to start making these major decisions. If you opt for a nuchal translucency scan to check for Down's syndrome, it has to be done between 11 and 14 weeks. The triple blood test is done at around 16 weeks, but potentially gives you more information (as it can indicate if there's a risk that the baby has spina bifida). But, if you opt for any kind of screening, what do you then do if it comes back showing a high risk? Katie of Maybe Expectant* wrote a great post on the subject a few weeks back, as to how they came to their decision

Initially, we felt that we would also avoid any kind of screening. For one thing, despite the fact that I'm technically of "advanced maternal age" at 36, the chances are still pretty minimal that there would be any kind of problem. And if we did get assessed as high risk (a number smaller than 1 in 250), we still probably wouldn't go for diagnostic tests, because of the risk (albeit small) of miscarriage, and also because most "high risk" babies are completely normal. Plus you've got the awful 2-3 week wait to find out what the actual diagnosis is. And termination simply wouldn't be an option for us, even in the event of the diagnosis of a problem. Having waited for this baby for so long, we'll take it as it comes, even if that proves to be coming with problems.

However, talking to my sister helped us to find a slightly different perspective (it helps that she's both a GP and a mother already). She opted to have a nuchal scan for both her children, and then to skip all further testing (bar the 20wk anomaly scan). As she quite rightly pointed out, if we did have a nuchal scan, the chances are overwhelmingly on our side that we would be assessed as low risk, which would be very reassuring and would help us to enjoy a worry-free pregnancy. After some further discussion between K and me, that's what we decided to do, and I went for the (private) scan yesterday.

Although it was primarily intended to check the baby's health, and could have produced an upsetting result, it was great to see Pip again. S/he seems to have rounded out somewhat in just a matter of 5 days! And s/he was awake this time, moving around and waving arms and legs, which was utterly magical. K hadn't been able to come as the scan was in the middle of the day, and it was such a shame that she couldn't share that experience. The consultant actually had trouble measuring the nuchal fold because it was so small - I had to ask him whether this was good or bad! Turns out it's a very good thing. I had some blood taken afterwards, and once those results are back from the lab I'll get sent an actual numerical risk factor, but the consultant said that he'd be surprised if it was as high as 1 in 300, and that it was more likely to be in the region of 1 in a 1000. Hurrah for a healthy young Pip! Oh yes, and I got the new picture above showing that sweet little nose.

*if anyone can tell me how to link directly to another blog/site without you all having to read the code (i.e. I would just put Maybe Expectant and you could click directly through to the post), I would be eternally grateful. I struggle to understand much of Blogger's help system! ETA - thanks Marta for telling me just how simple it is - I hadn't even noticed that link icon!

2006-08-21T09:39:00.000+01:00

Bump pics

We finally got around to taking our first photos of the bump this weekend. Sheer laziness/lack of organisation meant that it hadn't happened earlier, and I was a bit upset that we didn't have any "before" (or indeed earlier week) pics for comparison. But then I remembered that, back in January, my youngest sister Fran and I had taken a whole set of "fat" pics (the black undies ones), to encourage us both in our efforts to lose weight and go to the gym. It didn't prove to be a great incentive (at least not on my part), but at least I've now got some shots for comparison.
I prefer this "clothed" version of the bump - it makes it look more rounded, and less like excess fat (although there's a good couple of inches of that around the outside, particularly at the bottom - the muffin top fat is still there! It doesn't look as big as it already feels when you look at this shot on its own, but you can see the change compared to pre-pregnancy based on the simple fact that the bump is already sticking out more than my boobs, which are pretty darned prominent normally.
I don't much care for this "nekkid" bump shot as it mainly just looks like fat to me, not baby belly! However, I suppose it will be useful for comparison with future unclothed versions. And there's the before version underneath.
Apologies for the seriously un-designed and ugly layout of pics/text. I need some lessons in how to make my blog look pretty!
The whole set of bump pics is at http://www.flickr.com/photos/47495176@N00/sets/72157594245332708/

2006-08-19T17:26:00.000+01:00

Shock news!

My sister dropped a bit of a bombshell when she rang me earlier today. She's unexpectedly 6 weeks pregnant! (hey, at least it's not 7 months like Sarah-Journey of a Co-Mom-'s sister). She's in shock, and I have to say, so am I. When we were up there a few weeks ago, she said that they definitely didn't plan to have a third child in the near future, if it all, so it was obviously accidental, not planned. To be honest, the timing of it couldn't be any worse, and I actually feel rather sorry for her/worried about how she's going to cope.

Their children Ella and Lewis have just turned 4 and 1 respectively, so she's already got her hands pretty full (especially as Lewis is just starting to walk, and is a really active little boy), as well as working part time as a GP. On top of all this, the family is supposed to be moving to Australia in the next few months, for her husband to do research/further his career. As if the actual fact of emigrating to the other side of the world (for 2 years, not permanently) wasn't stressful enough, they don't actually know when they are going. It was supposed to be October, but her husband has been utterly useless and not organised his work stuff in regard to visas - he has to get all his medical qualifications recognised by the relevant boards in Australia, something he has apparently known that he would need to do, in order for them to be able to get the right visas, since last November! Chris only found out recently that this was what was holding the whole situation up, and has been running around frantically organising it all for him. He's a nice bloke, but he just doesn't make her life, and their family life, very easy. Work is his number one priority, and even though they are going out there primarily for his benefit, he still can't get his arse in gear to sort these things out.

So it's all very unsettling right now, with no-one knowing what's happening when. It could all happen pretty quickly, and they've got to pack up their belongings, put some in storage and ship essentials to Oz, then rent out their home. But no date is fixed! So my poor sister has been stressed enough anyway, and now this; still all the uncertainty, and wondering how the hell she will cope with being pregnant/having a 3rd child many 1000's of miles away, without the huge amount of family support she has had up until now (especially from our mother). She really did sound completely shell-shocked when we spoke.

If I'm honest, after I spoke to her, I felt a bit upset about it for us. Obviously it's not on purpose, but I feel like it's taken a bit of the shine off the specialness of us expecting our first, and very longed-for, baby. Even though our due dates are about 6 weeks apart, Chris has never gone past 36 weeks due to pre-eclampsia both times, so our babies could end up being born very close together, especially if I'm overdue! In some ways, that's a lovely thought, as we'll want all the cousins to be close anyway as they grow up. But it's going to put my mother in a very awkward position, as she is going to feel utterly torn as to who she should be with. She has already said that she'll be with us, and I hope that that will stay the same (I don't think that she would go back on her word, and she also really wants to be there for us, to help in the early days, and to welcome this baby. She's been a real support to me/us through ttc, and is absolutely thrilled that I'm pregnant at last). But on the other hand, I know that she is already worrying about how Chris is going to cope in Australia, without the support network; and now there's a new baby to add in to the mix. I think that my poor mother is more stressed than my sister!

I suppose that we'll have to see how it all turns out as time goes on. Chris is going to ask for an early pregnancy scan, as she lost 2 babies, both at 12 weeks, in between her 2 "term" pregnancies, so we all know that there are no guarantees that this one will end happily. Despite the crappy timing of it all, obviously we all hope that everything will go well for her. It's worrying though. I wish that they weren't going so far away!

And, being totally selfish now (but mainly joking), I'll have to give my sister back her maternity clothes that she lent me! Oh well, an excuse for some shopping.

2006-08-17T10:12:00.000+01:00

Ode to my Aga

Following my spice post, Jen, quite rightly, asked for an Aga "translation" - well here is an explanation. I know that Agas are increasingly being imported to the States, so I wasn't sure whether people would be familiar with the term or not.

An Aga is a range cooker that works on stored heat - it's on permanently, but uses only a small amount of energy. Being able to cook without having to preheat an oven makes things much more spontaneous, and it's easy to chuck in a baked potato for lunch, without having to worry about wasting energy.

Originally they were developed in Sweden, and worked on solid fuel (wood, coal etc.). These days they can work on oil, electric, or gas (like mine), and can have 2, 3, or 4 ovens. The basic model is the 2 oven, which has a hot roasting oven (equivalent to about gas7-8/425-450F), and a slow simmering oven (about gas1/275F). A 3 oven model (like mine, right), adds a baking oven (around gas3-4/325-350F), and the 4 oven is half as wide again and has an extra plate warming oven, plus a flat hotplate on top (for keeping food warm etc - not a grill). You'll see that mine has 4 doors - the top left one (with the badge) hides the control panel and burner. There are 2 cooking rings on top; the boiling plate on the left and the simmering plate on the right. You have to cook slightly differently with an Aga, as the longer the lids are lifted on the plates, the more heat is lost and the internal oven temps will fall. So you just get food started on the rings, and then transfer to the ovens to cook. It's odd at first, but it's actually quite easy to adapt to cooking this way. Slow-cooked food like casseroles are fabulous in an Aga, as are roasted veg, steam-cooked root veg done in the simmering oven, fluffy rice etc. A kettle comes to the boil in a matter of minutes, and you use a special wire rack to make toast on the boiling plate. Fried eggs and pancakes can be cooked on the simmering plate - it's all very versatile!

Not only is the Aga an oven, it's a drying vehicle (and it even sort of "irons", if you put folded sheets etc. to dry on the closed lids). Lots of people have an old-fashioned drying rack hanging over the Aga to take advantage of the warmth that is given off. They are often found in farmhouse kitchens, and now in more and more middle-class homes (they are a bit of a status symbol). Tales are told of plate warming ovens being used as an impromptu incubator for sickly new born lambs! (door open, I hasten to add). I grew up cooking on an Aga, as my mother had a 4-oven one, so I've always wanted to have one as part of a family kitchen. They are often described as being the heart of the home, and friends always come and lean against the warmth of the Aga when in the kitchen.

There are two disadvantages to an Aga - the fact that it throws off a lot of heat (which makes the kitchen wonderfully cosy in winter, and acts as a magnet for both people and pets) means that in high summer you often have to turn the Aga off because it's just too darned hot, and resort to some other form of cooking facility. With our generally unpredictable British summers, you can pretty much use the Aga as a weather predictor - as soon as you turn it off because the heat is unbearable, the weather is bound to take a turn for the worse! The other disadvantage is the initial cost; mine cost a cool £7,300 (c. US$14,000)! My accountant assures me that I will be able to put the cost of my Aga against my tax bill this year, because I cook from home as a living. He'd better be right!

2006-08-16T17:54:00.000+01:00

Introducing Pip

Yes, it was the dating ultrasound today and young Pip posed beautifully for pics, lying head down. We're guessing he/she was asleep, as there wasn't really any movement, but at least we got to see plenty of identifiable body parts. It's absolutely unbelievable how s/he has changed in a mere 4 weeks since our early scan (when it was a vaguely turtle-shaped blob). This time - a baby! In case you need scan pic intrepretation, that's the head bottom right, and the bump that seems to be growing out of it is actually a hand (we could see the five fingers, but they're not very clear on the pic). The white bones of the spine curving up the LHS (that's also where the placenta is) were really obvious - as K said, they looked like piano keys! And you can just see a leg/foot curving out at the top. Awwww.

It was great to be reassured that everything is happening just as it should - inevitably with these scans, you always worry beforehand that something dreadful may have happened. Thankfully, after all the traumas of ttc, the pregnancy seems to be going relatively smoothly so far - long may it continue! Pip measured right on target for dates, so our EDD was confirmed as 1st March 07. We're actually having another scan next week; a private nuchal fold/translucency test to look for Down's. The midwife at the clinic said that this gives a more accurate result than the blood test, so we won't be having those done at 16 weeks. Obviously we're hoping for a low risk result from the NT scan; but unless the odds are very high, we wouldn't have a diagnostic test anyway.

Yesterday was my first midwife visit; my "named" midwife, Lisbeth came to see me at home, which was very relaxed. She's Danish, bright and breezy but friendly. I told her straight off about me & K, as it's so much easier to be clear from the outset (and it's not like we live in a gaybourhood, so I knew it would be fairly unusual). She was completely cool about it though, and said it made not one jot of difference; the most important thing is that the baby is coming into a loving environment. Hopefully the other 4 midwives who make up the team will be just as blase about the situation, when I/we get to meet them. Apparently though, we'll be only the second lesbian couple they have had; the first was a much more complicated situation as both women left their male partners during their pregnancies, to start their relationship. Doesn't sound like they can have been very calm pregnancies!
Throughout the antental care, I'll get to meet all the midwives, and there's a 75% chance that Lisbeth will be there for the delivery - if not, one of the others will take her place. Until we were assigned to this midwife team, I had been thinking strongly about having a doula, but now I'm not so sure that it will be necessary. M, I will get around to answering your question about birthing plans soon!

In other news, the house is in desperate need of a clean (we're not untidy, but our cat Toohey sheds hair like you wouldn't believe. And I don't feel I should be lugging the Dyson around at the moment). I just can't summon up the energy, even to dust, despite the fact that I'm at home with not a lot of work on this week. K has been trying to persuade me that we should get a cleaner in, and I think that it's finally time to give in. She works such long hours that the last thing she wants to do is clean in the evening/at weekends, and the state of the house is getting us both down. Ahh, the mundanities of home life.

2006-08-11T18:19:00.000+01:00

For Bri

It's pretty obvious why this made me think of you!

We were randomly given this at the supermarket checkout a few weeks back to hold wine bottles, when K was indulging her summer Prosecco obsession. It wasn't until I was about to put out the re-cycling that I spotted what was on the box, and had to save it and take a picture, in celebration of your pregnancy.

Ugh, the thought of drinking wine though. I'd got pretty used to hardly drinking at all whilst ttc, but the thought of alcohol now just simply doesn't appeal in the slightest! K thinks it's great though, as I'm now always the designated driver. Hah.

2006-08-11T18:00:00.000+01:00

Photo Friday

OK, so I'm not yet an official member of the Photo Friday group, but seeing as how I have finally got my arse in gear to create this on-line presence, I thought that I should start contributing. Plus, a foodie theme will always get me going!

I'm very proud of my spice drawer: it's an extra deep drawer that holds a lot of different spices, and is right in the centre of the kitchen, between my 2 cooking areas. And if you're wondering why I have 2 cooking areas, it's because I have an Aga. I use this for our home cooking, but it's currently switched off, as it makes the kitchen too darned hot in summer (although our recent hot spell seems to have come to an end, so I may turn it back on soon). However, because I need to give accurate oven temps/cooking timings based on a regular oven/hob for when I'm recipe writing, I have a separate gas hob and fan oven for testing purposes - and for the summer!

Needless to say, because I cook for a living, as well as for pleasure, I have a bazillion different spices, and they won't all fit in one drawer. So the lesser used stuff (and refills etc.) get stuck in the larder. But the drawer itself is a thing of beauty. Not quite neat serried ranks of spice bottles, as they are differing heights and sizes, but at least they are organised in alphabetical order, so that I can lay my hands on the relevant spice at a moment's notice.

I use a lot of spices in my home cooking; Indian and Middle Eastern recipes are great sources of inspiration. The spices that come out most often are cumin (seeds and ground), cinnamon, nutmeg, dried chilli flakes and smoked paprika. Although there are a few dried herbs, they don't get used a lot, as I prefer to use fresh. Ridiculously though, I don't have a proper herb garden at the moment; I need to clear an area near the kitchen so that I can just nip out and snip away. Doing the garden always falls down rather low on my "to do" list though. My favourite containers are the little metal canisters (blue and green), which I bought in Italy and just refill as needed. The nutmeg (noce moscata) contains the cutest little mini grater in the tin.

I would share some other spice photos with you, but I haven't a clue how to include more than one picture in a single post!

2006-08-09T22:25:00.000+01:00

A long time coming
So, here I am finally starting my blog. Better late than never I say, and besides, I want to be able to chart (and share) my pregnancy!

Inevitably, being such a long way down the time-line in our family creation (umm, it was at least 6 years ago that we started discussing the possibility), it's hard to know where to start. I'll do a brief background, and a rough ttc outline, then go into more detail in the future - or if any of you want to ask me specific questions, feel free.

In the photo, I'm there on the left (at about 8 weeks pregnant, looking fat rather than any kind of pregnant yet), my partner K is on the right, and we're with our niece Ella, who has just turned 4.

So, a bit about me/us to start with. I'm 36, a commited foodie who has been lucky enough to make her passion into a career (I'm a cookery writer and food stylist), and I've been with K for 11 1/2 years. This is the first same-sex relationship for either of us, which means that we've never really got into the lesbian "scene" much, but contrary to people's expectations, we're still going strong after all this time. We worked in the same office for about a year before we got together, and that was only by chance. We'd started socialising in the same group after work, and one late & drunken night we were in an after-hours club, sitting on a couch and listening to some live jazz. I had my arm along the back of the couch (as is my way), which meant that it was behind K, and some guy asked us if we were a couple. Needless to say, we sprang apart like we'd been burnt, but it set a seed growing in both of our minds, and it wasn't that long before we got together. And, yes, I'd moved in lock, stock & barrel within 2 weeks! Even though it was all so new, and slightly peculiar, it just felt right, as both of us felt that we had met our life partner. The fact that that person happened to be another woman was pretty much irrelevant to it all (although I can't imagine now how I would ever have lived with a man!). We think that we were very lucky how supported and accepted our relationship was in those early days, by our friends and family, and how little prejudice we've encountered overall.

I had always wanted children, and am very family-oriented, whereas K is quite the opposite. As I approached 30, my biological clock started ticking pretty loudly (and of course I'd always presumed that I would be married and have at least one baby, if not two, by the time I was 30). Cue much discussion and angst, as we initially wanted completely different things, plus K has never appreciated being bulldozed! It was a pretty awful time, as I couldn't envisage my life without children in it, and for a while, it looked like we might split up. At that stage, I was also struggling internally with the supposed "rights and wrongs" of bringing up a child in a gay relationship (definitely some internal homophobia going on there). To cut a long story short, we worked through all the issues, and eventually got to the point where Karen actually wanted us to start a family too (neither of us wanted it to be a decision made to "save" the relationship). We then spent the next 3 years or so debating the hows, wheres and whyfores; in particular the known donor issue, which I won't go into at this time. Eventually, we decided to go the clinic route, waiting until the UK law changed regarding donor anonymnity, so that our child/ren would be able to find out more about their donor once they reach 18, should they choose to do so.

Eventually, this meant that we started actively ttc in April 2005, with our first IUI cycle being natural. I had done loads of preparation for ttc, both in research terms, and in getting my body as ready as possible to conceive. I'd been on a pre-conceptual programme of vitamin & mineral supplements for 7 months by then, combined with a healthy/wholefood/organic diet, no alcohol, caffeine etc. plus environmental pollutants cut down to an absolute minimum (aluminium free deodorant, fluoride-free toothpaste and the rest). I'd been charting for over a year and had regular cycles, so all in all, I expected to get pregnant pretty easily. Hah! It was not to be so.

As I'd just turned 35, that key point in terms of fertility starting to decline, the clinic urged me towards medicated cycles ASAP. Clomid did nothing for me, and nor did injectible FSH - just pushed up the costs of each cycle, with no more than my one (perfectly good) monthly follicle ever materialising. We ended up doing a total of 6 IUI cycles (2 natural, 1 on Clomid and 3 with injectibles), to no avail, spread over 15 months. We had prepared ourselves for it potentially taking 4-6 goes to get pregnant, but not for the delays between cycles, which were pretty hard to bear. As time went on, and all the women in my lesbian parenting group were getting pregnant (and even having the babies that they had conceived after we had started trying), things got a lot harder.

At the outset, I had wanted to keep things as low-key as possible, medication-wise, but as time went on, we just wanted to get pregnant, whatever it took. By the time the 5th cycle came around, we were ready to move on to IVF, but were convinced to give it one more go at IUI (and given the cost differentials, we decided it was worth it). We'd had a 4-cycle break at that point, I'd started hypnotherapy and felt very positive about it working at last. It was devastating when my period arrived after just 10 days (shortest LP ever!), I suppose partly because it meant that we were really going to have to use the big guns to try and get me pregnant.

After all the uncertainties surrounding IVF, and all the potential stress, I actually found my IVF cycle far easier to deal with than anticipated. I added extra complementary therapies such as acupuncture to my regime, increased my protein intake during stimming etc., so felt that I was doing everything possible to give us the best possible chances. I was pretty lucky that I didn't suffer too many side effects, and absolutely thrilled that my ovaries finally reacted to higher doses of FSH, albeit only producing 6 follicles. Given my history of poor response, we were pretty pleased with this (and kept chanting "quality not quantity"!). We collected 5 eggs, of which 3 fertilised. At this point I started to get absolutely petrified about their development over the next few days, as 3 is a pretty small number, whereas K thought that it was great that 3 out of 5 were still with us. A very good illustration of our pessimist/optimist outlooks on life. On the day of transfer (3 days after collection), only 2 embryos had made it, and were only 4 and 5 cells respectively (although with no fragmentation/very little fragmentation respectively). I had been expecting them to have reached the 6-8 cell stage, and so was more than a little worried about our chances. The embryologist reassured us that both embryos were perfectly capable of achieving a pregnancy though, so all we could do was hope.

As ever, the 2ww was pretty hard, but I tried to think positively as much as I could (PUPO - Pregnant Until Proved Otherwise!) , and not to analyse too much. After all, the progesterone suppositories were giving my usual pre-menstrual symptoms of sore boobs and cramping from 3 days past transfer, so I couldn't put much weight on any symptoms! I'd always felt that I would "know" when I finally got pregnant, but that turned out to be yet another wrong assumption. The only clue that I had was that my pre-menstrual symptoms actually started to recede a couple of days before testing (and that I was starving hungry and eating like a pig, although I didn't connect this at the time; just thought I was being greedy/comfort eating). We tested at 13dpt. I was astounded when we saw that unbelievable second line - I had never really managed to convince myself that we would be lucky enough for IVF to work first time, since nothing else had proved simple. I just kept saying "wow, wow, it really worked!", while K burst into tears. It was such an amazing day; we couldn't quite believe it - and also realised that while we knew almost anything you could ask us about ttc, we knew nothing at all about pregnancy and birth! That's a subject about which we are rapidly learning (and at least there are a lot less uncertainties, although more worries, than with ttc).

Our 7 week ultrasound showed that we're expecting just Pip (rather than Pip & Pod), and I'm now almost 11 weeks pregnant, with a definite bump developing. More to follow!